OK, I don’t get that latest one 
[Not a joke. I had cataract surgery. I’m having trouble seeing the screen clearly. ]
I’m in a band called dyslexia
We just released our greatest shit album
They know that !
You obviously couldn’t see what they did there !
I bet someone’s done that !
As done by industrial band KMFDM
Also the bootleg album Elvis’ Greatest Shit which assembled some of his worst tracks
TCMF-2L
If Marie Antoinette, Anne Boleyn, Charles I, and Louis XVI formed a band, what would its name be?
The Talking Heads.
Soulja Boy is not even a soldier. Dr. Dre is not even a doctor.
Adele is not even a computer.
Spotted an albino dalmatian today.
It was the least I could do.
There’s no reason to be angry at lazy people:
They didn’t do anything.
What do you call a grizzly bear in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
The pessimist says, ‘This can’t get any worse!’
The optimist says, ‘Of course it can!’
My wife told me on the phone if I didn’t leave the bar in the next 10 minutes, she’d give my dinner to the dog. I was home in 5.
I love that dog. I’d hate for something to happen to him.
That one made my day.
If Barbie is so popular…
…why do you have to buy her friends?
Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other off.
My dog is so lazy,
if another dog barks he won’t bark in return. He’ll just nod.
In the movies…
why does every building in France have a view of the Eiffel Tower?
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir. Only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
I’ve heard that one as “Would you like to check that?” “No, it’s carrion”.
Doctor: I need a urine sample and a stool sample.
Old man: What did he say?
Wife: He needs your underwear.
Doctor, handing a newborn to the new dad: I’m very sorry, your wife didn’t make it.
New dad: Well then give me the one she made.
What is the most common question a Finnish detective asks a suspect?
What where you doing the night between November and May?
My wife hates it when I bring my work home.
I’m an embalmer.
The new Russian AI application
ChatKGB - it’s asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them.
I used to work for an origami company…
…but it folded.
Policeman interrupts young couple parked in cemetery
He shines his flashlight in the faces of the embarrassed couple and asks “Didn’t you see the sign that says the cemetery is closed after sunset?”
The young man replies "No officer, we drove in the other entrance that has the sign that says “Get lots while you’re young.”
Sewer cleaner here.
My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meager rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.
I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
If Mr. Miyagi was a plastic surgeon, what would his slogan be?
Racks on, racks off.
If life gives you lemons make lemonade…
If life gives you melons you’re dyslexic.
Minister: “I couldn’t help notice that your husband walked out of my sermon this morning.”
Lady: “Don’t take it personally, he’s been walking in his sleep for years.”
Why is Fox News so tired?
They’re all Tucker’d out.
Why did my balcony collapse?
(post removed by moderator)
Why didn’t the ants catch COVID-19?
They have little Antibodies.
A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said:
- 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, many expensive cars, a huge bed in a luxurious bedroom, and a wide-screen color TV, but I share a bed with a 69-year-old woman. I’m starting to doubt my marriage.
His wife suggested:
-You can find yourself a 19-year-old girl, and I will make sure that you live again in a small house, sleep on a sagging sofa, and watch black-and-white TV.
I am terrified of escalators.
I’m taking steps to mitigate my fears.
Sex is great at 50…
…though I live at number 48.
Why did the stuttering prisoner die in prison?
He couldn’t finish his sentence.
What makes a joke a dad joke?
When it leaves to take the trash out and never returns.
I spent a minute or two trying to figure out an alternate meaning or a play on words for the word ‘mitigate’ when it finally dawned on me that ‘steps’ was the key to getting the punchline 