Roy Wood
I’m more confused than ever - where do the ELO and Wizzard fit into all this?
Ah, sorry. I’m blaming this one on the cataract surgery.
King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young.
He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince.
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for…
Times new ramen!
To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing…
There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.
In the first draft for Kung Fu Panda’s script …
…the country of origin was written as TH, instead of CHN. However, it was just a Thai Po.
An employee asks his boss,
“Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?”
His boss replied, “It’s May…”, to which the employee responded,
“Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?”
A man is sitting in a bar drowning his sorrows.
“What’s the matter?” asks the bartender.
“Last month my father died leaving me $15,000,” says the man.
“Then a week later my mother died and left me $25,000.
A week after that my auntie died and left me $40,000.
This week? – nothing.”
The trouble with being punctual is…
…people think you have nothing better to do.
Don’t tell your friends your problems.
Tell your enemies your problems. They’re far more interested in hearing about them.
What do nostalgic proctologists do?
Look up old friends.
I don’t know much about philately…
…but I know what I lick.
Brilliant.
I’m using that !
Cassette tapes have a side A and a side B…
…so it follows that they’re successor would be a CD.
What tastes better than it smells?
Your tongue.
Last night I went to a will reading…
…It was a dead giveaway.
My car keeps saying it’s low on fuel…
…but I think it’s just gaslighting me.
We can thank the Arabs for 9/11.
Without them it would still be IX/XI.
I got an email claiming it could show me how to read maps backwards. It was spam.
What is the most common cause of feline blindness?
Cat-aracts
Doctor, I’m having trouble with my eyesight.
No kidding. This is a hot dog stand.
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
He never did say who it belonged to.
I enrolled in a course by mail, “How To Deal With Disappointments”.
I got the first lesson. It was an empty envelope.
Why did Darth Vader go the record store?
He was looking for the hidden rebel bass.
Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you!
The IRS is going after the Sand People for tax evasion. They single file to hide their numbers.
What does a cat say on 5/5?
Happy Cinco de Meow.
Why shouldn’t you underestimate Cinco de Mayo?
It’s nacho average holiday.
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.
Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.
When they film the biography of George Santos’s life, it will read:
“based on a false story”.
If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?
Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?
I hear the dentists are going on strike next week.
Brace yourselves.
Where will the new King of England keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
I learn a lot from my mistakes.
I think it’s time to make more.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
Everyone has a different view of life. I, myself, am a solipsist.
But that’s just me.
I just heard a variant of this from one of my co-workers, starting with
Student: Can I do something to improve my grade?
A lady ahead of me ordered fast food. The cashier said, “That’ll be $6.66.”
She said, “Oh no. I don’t like that total. Better throw in a corndog.”
This woman is an inspiration. She’s out there fighting off the powers of Satan with a corndog as her weapon of choice.
Just heard a woman go, “Nooooo, my cell phone” from inside a porta potty.
Wishing her nothing but the best.
When a cow forms a chrysalis…
It transforms into a beautiful beef Wellington.
King Charles actually farted in the middle of his coronation, but no one really said anything.
This is because noble gases don’t cause a reaction.
Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?
It’s called, “The Changing of the Locks”.
How did Pavlov come to always have such nice hair?
He conditioned it.
What can you convert Christmas into?
Christenergy.
My friend Joe went on the Dollty Parton diet.
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeean.
What’s the worst thing Willie Nelson can say to you while you’re having sex with him?
“I’m not actually Willie Nelson.”