Feh. No way is that the dirtiest Canterbury Tale. And you all know which one I’m talking about, don’t you?
Wife of Bath, right?
I would have said The Miller’s Tale, but this is bound to be a complete matter of opinion, right?
That’s just a ploy to get us unread heathens to read them all. 
Nah… 
I’m adopting a pet termite named Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
A woman was breastfeeding her baby in the park, and a little boy came up and watched.
“What does the baby drink?” he asked.
“Just milk and orange juice,” replied the mother.
“Oh,” said the boy, "which one is the orange juice?
At a family gathering a boy gave out a loud fart.
“Bobby, manners please, you shouldn’t do that in front of grandma.”
“Sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn.”
I’m sorry, but you can’t come in here. You have to wear a tie," said the bouncer at the nightclub.
The man goes back to his car, but can only find a set of jump leads. He slings them round his neck and walks back to the club.
“Will this do?” he asks.
“OK, but don’t start anything.”
As she left the room, the sweet young girl said to her boss, "Oh, just one
more thing, Mr Arno, you’ve left the barrack doors open."
It wasn’t until later he understood what she meant when he looked down
and realised he’d left his flies undone. He pressed the intercom and said,
“Maureen, can you come in here for a moment please?”
As she walked in, he said proudly, “When I left the barrack doors open this
morning, did you see a soldier standing to attention?”
“Oh, no,” she replied sweetly. “I saw a shell-shocked veteran who’d seen
better days.”
I met a man who had been married for 60 years.
“Amazing!” I said. “Tell me, what’s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?”
“Well,” he replied, “it’s like this. The man makes all the big decisions, and the woman just makes the little decisions.”
“Really?” I responded, amazed. “Does that really work?”
“Oh, yes,” he said proudly. “60 years, and so far, not one big decision!”
Works better if you say, “…before grandma.”
Disagree. Telegraphs the punch line.
mmm
Disagree indeed.
Dog walks into a telegraph office…
Says he wants to send a message.
“Sure” says the clerk, “what’s the message?”
“Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.”
Clerk says, “OK, but for the same price, there’s enough room for one more ‘woof’”.
Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, “But that wouldn’t make any sense…”
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.
The older soldier shook his head, saying he’d rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.
“You’d really rather play with that old mine craft all day?” the young soldier scoffed.
The older man shrugged and said, “It’s better than a fortnight.”
I had a party for the worlds greatest historical figures, here are their RSVPs
Isaac Newton: “I’ll drop in.”
Socrates: “I’ll think about it.”
Charles Darwin: “I’ll wait to see what evolves.”
Marie Curie: “I am radiating enthusiasm.”
Ivan Pavlov: “I’m positively drooling at the thought.”
Albert Einstein: “It will be relatively easy to attend.”
James Watt: “It will be a good way to let off steam.”
Samuel Morse: “I’ll be there on the dot, but I have another party so I must dash.”
Georg Ohm: “I’m resisting the idea.”
Robert Boyle: “I’m under too much pressure.”
Alessandro Volta: “I’m electrified at the prospect.”
John James Audubon: “I’ll have to wing it.”
Thomas Edison: “It will be illuminating.”
Archimedes: “I’m buoyant at the thought.”
Carl Friedrich Gauss: “I’m very popular at parties because of my magnetism.”
Heinrich Hertz: “I plan to attend parties with greater frequency in the future.”
As for Sigmund Freud: he just couldn’t help but give it the slip!
I say, I say, I say, how did Samuel L. Jackson die in Star Wars?
He fell out the Windu.
The Defense pleads ‘Not Guilty by reason of insanity’ and loses
They go to appeal and plead ‘not guilty by reason of insanity’ again, expecting a different result.
They win the appeal.
I’ll tell you, I get no respect.
I was at the airport the other day, and a Jesus freak came up to me and said, ‘Jesus… likes you. As a friend.’
I don’t get it. Sure it could be better to swim out and fix the minesweeper in (presumably) one day rather than wait two weeks/a fortnight but I don’t know why it’s funny.
My grandpa used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Great man. Lousy carpenter.
mmm
(probably already exists somewhere in this thread)
As we’re on the subject…
My pal always said “When one door closes, another door shuts”. But he came from Leicester…
I was recently asked to review a performance of John Cage’s 4’33".
Amazing. No notes.
My sister, Rachel, just came out as a lesbian and introduced us to her girlfriend. Also named Rachel
It’s my first time meeting an interrachel couple.
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
“I’m sorry, sir,” he noted, “it appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”
A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.
He realizes he’s fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.
The man groans and holds his head, knowing he’s going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then enters the bedroom with a glass of water and some aspirin. “Here sweetie, you probably need this” she says, handing it to him. “Sounds like you had a fun night. When you feel like it, I have your favorite breakfast in the kitchen, you can lay back down and I’ll bring it to you in bed. I had my mom pick up the kids so you can have some peace and quiet, and after you clean up and feel better, I was thinking we could fool around and I’ll do that thing for you that you like.”
The man is baffled that she is being so nice to him. Suspicious, he asks what happened last night
“Around 2 AM I was woke up by you trying to unlock the door. I let you in and you staggered right past me and collapsed in the bed after knocking over the lamp” she says.
“I was mad but I figured I should try to undress you. Then you yelled at me.”
“I’m so sorry honey, what did I say?”
“Get your hands off of me lady, I’m married!”
Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn’t. The guilt was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Dave don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. Just let It go Dave.” But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: “Dave… Daaaave… you’re a veterinarian!”
The only way to become a pun master
Is to decapitate a pun master. It’s the only way to get a head in the pun industry.