More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
3752

Have you ever seen the porn version of Gilligan’s Island?

In the end, they all get off.

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint:

50 sailors were marooned.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…

The details are sketchy.

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he’s afraid of flying.

“No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I’ve heard terrible things about Detroit; I’m worried about my family.”

The guy tells him, “Look, it’s not at all like the rumors. I’ve lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you’ll be fine, trust me.”

The other guy seems to perk up and says, “Hey, thanks man, you’ve really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?”

“I’m a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…”

My grandson asked me where poo comes from.

A bit confused, I decided to give him a full scientific explanation. His eyes widened…he started to cry…and then said…“What about Tigger?”

3753

One of the local high schools has maroon as one of their colors, and their mascot is the Pirates. Sports reporting when they win often says things like “The Pirates marooned the Rangers…”.

3754

That’s not an overall indication of the danger of living in Detroit, that’s just for defending against random Kid Rock attacks.

3755

They gave them the ‘maroon harpoon’.

3756

(Stolen from Gatopescado):

Why is truck stop toilet paper like John Wayne?

It’s hard on your ass and takes no shit from anyone.

3757

I’ve heard “rough, tough, and…” as the start of that punchline.

3758

Gato stole it from my Daddy.

3759

Proof that I’m old…

One day, John Wayne was driving, and had to take a leak. He stops at a gas station and asks the attendant (do bad John Wayne imitation here) “Do you have one urinal or two?” The attendant says “Two”; John says “Can’t go here. I’ve got to go on.”.

A few miles down the road, he’s feeling worse. Stops in another gas station and again asks the attendant “Do you have one urinal or two?” The attendant says “Two”; John says “Can’t go here. I’ve got to go on.”.

Well, it’s getting really bad. Stops at the next gas station and again asks the attendant “Do you have one urinal or two?” The attendant says “Two”; John says “I’ll risk it”, and goes in. A couple of minutes later, he walks out shaking his leg. The attendant asks “Why did you ask about how many urinals we had”; Wayne replies “It’s the same damned thing every time. Someone is using the other urinal, then (imitates going pee, turns body) ‘Hey! You’re John Wayne!’”

3760

I first heard that same joke using Arnold Palmer.

I wonder how many other versions have been created? It is a celebrity-themed joke, so I would guess very, very many.

3761

Which reminds me…

Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?

No. Arnold Palmer.

3762

Here’s the lede from an article published today by the CBC:

Claims of revolutionary superconductor LK-99 are meeting resistance

3763

I say, I say, did you hear about the old guy who gave infants dynamite to play with?

He was a Baby Boomer.

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench.

One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered, “It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.”

The drunk promptly fainted. The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded, “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

What noise does a flying broom make?

Broom, broom.

A man who donates one kidney is a hero…

…but when I donate ten???

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami:

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

3764

‘Sis boom bah.’

[Opens envelope]

‘The sound of a sheep exploding.’

3765

I never knew why banks called them “personal loans” until I took one

out.

I missed three payments and did they get personal!

My boss has an unusual sense of humor.

For my birthday he gave me an antique bedwarmer… a 70-year old hooker.

If you have to go in for a sport, forget golf—take up basketball.

You don’t get wet on rainy days; there’s no walking; and the holes are the right size!

I leaned over and whispered in my bride’s ear, “I love you terribly.”

She said, “I know, but we’ll have the rest of our lives to work on it.”

Some psychiatrists get $200 an hour. That’s preposterous!

How much does a couch cost?

3766

This one’s a bit dated by now, but I was reminded of it when the main character was mentioned in another thread…

The Mayor of Washington, DC is passed out in a drug-induced stupor, sleeping it off in a sleazy motel room, when suddenly the police show up at the door for a raid. The mayor’s assistant meets them at the door, and says “You all know how supportive the Mayor is of the police, right? He’s voted to raise your salaries five times, and he’s a member of the Friends of the Police, and has never missed one of the annual balls. And he’s defended you to the media every chance he’s gotten.” The officer grumbles “Stand aside. We’re here to seize your Barry, not to praise him!”

3767

I once named a melomel I made “The Bitch Set Me Up!”

I made it with marionberries.

3768

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”

His brother apologized.

“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”

A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…

The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”

“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”

“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar, “I’ve got gambling money!”

A man suspected her wife of cheating on him while he was at work.

He told his best friend about it.

- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don’t want to spend that much money…
- Well, there’s an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place a bowl filled with milk under it. That way, if your wife goes to bed with someone, the mattress will sink and the spoon will touch the milk. All you have to do when you get home is to check if milk is on the spoon or not.

The man agrees to do so and goes home.

2 days later, they meet again.

- So, did you do it?
- Yeah, I did everything you told me: I put the spoon, the bowl, the milk, etc. And I checked yesterday evening.
- So?
- The bowl was full of butter.

My son and I are getting glasses today.

And after that?

We’ll see.

I say, I say, I say, did you hear about the superhero who was bitten by a radioactive lawyer?

He has power of attorney.

3769

My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her.

I wonder what she’s up to these days.

I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night.

She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, “Don’t we need to pray first?”

I said, “Nah, that’s not necessary.”

She replied, “But we always pray before we eat at home.”

I said, “Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he’s doing.”

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”

Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.

As a 6’ 2" person people would often come up to me and say, “Wow, you’re tall! Do you play basketball?”

I’ve started replying, “Wow, you’re short! Do you play miniature golf?”

What is literally the most awful, horrible terrible thing in the entire world?

Hyperbole.

3770

What happened when the semicolon broke the laws of grammar?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

Jesus, crucified on Friday, rose on Sunday,

hell of a weekend.

A man walks into a bar but the barman isn’t there.

He sits down at the bar and decides to eat one of the the peanuts. Sudddenly he hears a voice
“You are very handsome”
He looks around and he’s still alone. A minute passes and he decides to have another nut and he hears the voice again.
“And very well dressed”
Still no one is around and he’s very confused.
He wants to summon the barman but he’s too nervous to raise his voice so he decides to go over to the juke box and play some music to catch the barman attention. But as soon as he puts some money in he hears a voice say
“You’re ugly and dumb and nobody loves you!”
Then the barman appears and the man says
“Barman, what’s going on? I ate some nuts and heard some lovely compliments but when I tried to use the jukebox I heard horrid insults”
And the barman says
“That’s because the nuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order.”

I rode my unicycle for 10 miles today -

When I got home it wouldn’t stand up on it’s own.

It was one tired bike.

I say, I say, I say, a man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling “the end of the world is nigh!”

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

3771

“This term,” said the English teacher, "we will be studying ‘The Canterbury Tales’ "

“But,” she added, “to anticipate a question I get every year – this will not include The Nun’s Priest’s Tale”

“Why not?” asked one of the pupils. The teacher’s features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

“Because,” she answered, “The Nun’s Priest’s Tale is lascivious, licentious, and utterly improper, especially for people your age. Now please open your copies to the General Prologue, and we will begin with that.”

Next lesson, the teacher said, “Please open your ‘Canterbury Tales’ to The Nun’s Priest’s Tale, which I am assuming you have all read by now…?”

I failed my photography exam.

I just couldn’t focus.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’ The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a
woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!”

Just kidding, that’s a really silly joke. Obviously photons aren’t really Catholic. They’re Hindu Ascetics. You know, cause they’re always traveling light.

At the risk of sounding like a Karen, I just wanna know why…

…do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near.

Yo Mama’s so old…

…her dating service is Carbon.