[mode=Rodney Dangerfield]
I don’t get no respect.
I was out bicycling the other day and got coal-rolled by a Tesla!
[/RD]
Stealing that one.
Fine, go ahead. Credit to me if possible (I did make it up myself), but I ain’t gonna be bothered if not.
They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective.
Don’t believe me? Just wash.
I found out today that some alligators grow up to 15 feet!
Most of them only have four, though.
I’m writing a movie about Pinocchio joining the mob -
Woodfellas.
My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah.
He’s also a trained taxidermist.
If there is watermelon…
…why isn’t there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know, the four elemelons.
Bob Saget has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, and the eye of an eagle—ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds!
(RIP Norm and Bob)
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.
So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.
He said “I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?”
The Imam replied “You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her cooking once in a while.”
Satisfied with the advice, Abdul goes back home and his wife has set the dinner table. As he’s having dinner he says “Darling, the food is very good today.”
To his surprise, his wife is upset with that and she says “21 years we’ve been married to each other and you’ve never appreciated my cooking, the one day I get food from the neighbors, you like it?”
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.
The cop says to the man:
- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
- No officer, I didn’t know I was speeding…
The wife then says:
- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I’ve been telling you to slow down for miles.
The man shoots a dark look at his wife, then the cop says:
- Well, since I’ve got you pulled over did, do you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?
- No sir, I did not know that…
The wife says:
- Oh please, Henry! I’ve been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!
The husband grinds his teeth but keep silent. The cop then adds:
- And I noticed that you left rear lights weren’t working either.
- Oh yes, I was on my way to get them changed, actually.
The wife says:
- Nonsense, we were going home. You keep saying it doesn’t need to be changed, that the other drivers can see you well enough.
The man explodes with anger:
- WILL YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIEHOLE, YOU BITCH?
The cop walks over to the woman’s side of the car and asks her:
- Does he always talk to you this way?
- Oh no, officer, only when he’s been drinking.
My dad recently told me a joke that was based on Ancient Roman Numerals.
I for one thought it very funny.
A Republican and Democratic congressman spot each other at Disney World with their respective families.
The Republican turns red from embarrassment.
“Look man, don’t tell any of my colleagues I was down here supporting Disney. They’ll eat me alive for supporting this woke company!”
The Democrat replies:
“Well, you think I want anyone to know I was down here in Florida?”
I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan, I’m then stranded alone on a desert island…
… and there’s nobody to tell.
Henry Winkler was on a flight. The flight attendant approached and asked, “would you like headphones?”
He answered, “sure would, and it’s pronounced Fonze”.
George R. R. Martin once said “I have the heart of a little boy. I keep it in a jar of formaldehyde on my desk.”.
I have heard that attributed to Stephen King.
mmm
Former Pres. Barack Obama is 62 today! 
In honor of that, I have a selection of some of his Dad Jokes:
When somebody at your table tells you that you’ve been hogging all of the side dishes, you can’t have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people:
'Yes, we cran.'
Sasha and Malia aren’t here tonight because they’re grounded.
You can’t just take Air Force One on a joy ride to Manhattan. I don’t care whose kids you are.
All this change hasn’t been easy; change never is. So I’ve cut the tension by bringing a new friend to the White House.
He’s warm, he’s cuddly, loyal, enthusiastic; you just have to keep him on a tight leash.
Every once in a while he goes charging off in the wrong direction and gets himself into trouble but, enough about Joe Biden.
Eight years ago, I was a young man, full of idealism and vigour, and look at me now.
I am grey and grizzled, just counting down the days ’til my death panel.
I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren’t so lucky, who didn’t get to ride the gravy train to freedom, who met their fate with courage and sacrifice, and proved that they weren’t chicken.
I have taken a job ridding France of vampires.
Things are slightlly different there: to kill a French vampire one must hammer a baguette through its heart.
I find this to be painstaking.
I was going over my wedding vows (to make sure there weren’t any missed loopholes) and I realized I am entitled to sixteen wives!
Yes, sixteen: four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.
Convincing your girlfriend that she’s crazy is called gaslighting and it’s a dick move.
Convincing her that she’s a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it’s a Philip K. Dick move.
How do we know really strong alcohol exists?
We have lots and lots of proof.
My neighbor drove his car into a tree.
He found out how his Mercedes bends.
A girl enters a shop selling perfumes.
-
Excuse me, - she says. - What is this perfume?
-
That one? It’s called “Flaming Kiss”.
-
And that one?
-
That’s “Night Embrace”.
-
And this?
-
“Ecstasy”.
-
Excuse me, but have you got anything for beginners?
Why are people on the International Space Station always in perfect health?
They’re never under the weather.
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales…
A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.
“I-i-i… I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father…”
“That would be wonderful, my son. We’ll start you with one box. Please go door to door throughout the community and sell what you can. You can give these away, but donations are always accepted since the word of God is the most important message.”
“T-t-t-t-th-th-th-thank you f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father… i-i-i-i-i-i-I’ll s-s-s-s-se-se-sell what I c-c-c-cc-can…”
The pastor sends the man on his way.
About an hour later to the pastors surprise, the stuttering man returns with an empty box and $200 cash.
The pastor is completely shocked, but is ultimately filled with joy as the church could use the funds more than ever, not to mention the community is that much closer to God’s message.
So without asking questions, he happily sends the stuttering man on his way with 2 more boxes of Bibles.
“T-t-t-t-t-t-th-th-th-th-tha-thank you f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father, i-i-i-i-i-i-I’ll be back s-s-s-s-s-soo-soo-soo-soon.”
Exactly 2 hours later the stuttering man returns, only this time carrying 2 empty boxes and $500 cash.
The pastor is at a loss for words. So much so, that he’s questioning whether the stuttering man is coming across these funds legitimately.
He pulls the man aside and asks, “Son, while myself and the church thank you for your efforts in selling these bibles, we want to make sure not to take advantage of common people. Most of my volunteers take upwards of a month to sell a single box of Bibles, and you’ve sold 3 boxes in a few hours. May I ask what you’re telling these people when you approach their home?”
“W-w-w-w-we-we-well f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father it-it-it-it-its qui-q-q-q-qui-quite s-s-s-s-s-s-si-sim-simple.”
“I ju-ju-ju-ju-just ask the-the-th-th-th-the-them if th-th-th-th-the-the-they’d l-l-l-l-li-li-li-li-lik-like to b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-buy a b-b-b-bi-bi-bi-bible or if they w-w-w-w-w-wa-wa-wa-wan-want me to re-re-re-rea-read it to them.”
In a small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,
“For my brother’s funeral can you do me one favor?”
“Sure, and what might that be?”
“I’ll pay you $10,000 if you call my brother a saint.”
The preacher agreed and word broke like wildfire in this small community that the preacher would be calling the worst person in the town’s history a saint, so the day of the funeral came and people were lined out of the door to hear what the preacher was going to say. Once everyone had arrived the preacher started his speech
“Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here today to mourn upon the most wicked, the most hateful, and maybe the worst person i have ever met in my life, but compared to his brother that is sitting in front of me, he was a saint.”
What do you call a wet baby owl?
A moist owlette.
A man was walking down the beach when he came across God watching the sunset.
Man: Are you really god?
God: I am.
Man: Do you have a task for me lord?
God: No, I don’t do that anymore. I gave a man a task once and he turned it into a crusade and visited suffering on his fellow man.
Man: Oh… Well is there some truth you are here to reveal.
God: No. I tried to to give a man truth once but he twisted it into a doctrine and used it to perpetuate ignorance. Whatever I give you people, you just screw it up; so I’m just gonna sit here and watch this sunset.
Man: Oh… that’s terrible. I am so sorry.
God: No, No. You don’t want to go down that road. You wouldn’t believe what happened with the last guy I let go walking around with my forgiveness.
IIRC, I read the quote in volume I or II of The Hugo Winners, in Asimov’s introduction to the GRRM story “Sandkings”. My book collection is a little buried right now, though, so I can’t double-check it.
This is my spot- on Impression of @Prof.Pepperwinkle
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
“See that over there? What is that?”, says the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, “That’s a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn’t it.”
“How can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a person?”, replies the first crow.
“Look at it’s hand. No cellphone”, says the second crow.
+++++
Hollywood Fun Fact: The boat used as the S.S. Minnow in Gilligan’s Island was a 1964 Wheeler with a cruising speed of 12 knots. Which means they couldn’t have traveled more than 41.5 miles. Now I’m starting to doubt if the show was even real.
+++++
Why did the portobello get invited to the party?
Because he’s a Fun-gi but had to leave because there wasn’t mush-room.
+++++
My doctor told me he had good news and bad news.
The good news is that I’m NOT a hypochondriac!
+++++
Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I finished the whole house yesterday before I realized the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.
+++++
I was out to dinner with my girlfriend the other night when she said “I love you.”
I said to her, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She replied, “It’s me. I was talking to the wine.”
+++++
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable…
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Great, I can take the day off! 
That’s how long the planned tour would have been, yes. But we don’t know the speed at which “the tiny ship was tossed”, nor how long the storm lasted.
Good point. Yeah, it’s probably real.