More Jokes

Why did the dermatologist hurry to the jail?

Everybody was breaking out.


Some Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip.

The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of the scouts saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, “We might as well give up. They’re coming after us with flashlights."


Employee: My wife told me to ask you for a raise.

Employer: I’ll ask my wife to see if I can give you one.


What makes math homework so hard?

All those numbers you have to carry.


What’s the first sign your computer is getting old?

It has memory problems.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself on the 4K TV?

“HDMI!”

Little Janey says to little Johnny “all adults have deep dark secrets. You can trick them into thinking you know what they are”.

So little Johnny decides to test this on his parents. He says to his mother “mom, I know your deep dark secret”. His mom gives him $10 and says “don’t tell dad”.

Encouraged, he goes to his father and says “dad, I know your deep dark secret”. His dad gives him $20 and says “don’t tell mom”.

Wow, this is going better than I ever expected, thought little Johnny. Just then he sees the mailman coming up to the front door. He says to the mailman “I know your deep dark secret”.

The mailman drops to his knee, gives little Johnny a big hug, and says “I’m so glad I don’t have to hide it anymore, son!”

Old computer programmers never die.

They just lose their memory, go to bits, and cache in their chips.

The version I saw said the dog was named “Five Miles”. Some wag replied, “I ran over five miles yesterday”!

That’s sort of like the college-town bar called The Library, so students can tell their parents “I was in The Library all evening last week”.

I asked my neighbor if it was difficult cooking stir fry in an open field.

He said, “No, it’s a wok in the park.”


My wife says I’m a trophy husband.

Participation trophy, but still…


What did the Princess Bride say when she discovered she was infertile?

Inconceivable!


"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. First, a bit of good news…

…You guys get to be on TV tonight."


I used to be a fan of Norah Jones…

…but after her last album I’m a whole air conditioner!

This new weather system is just a bunch of snowflakes

No wonder. In school they all got precipitation trophies

I remember a long time ago when I first experienced my first snowfall.

I was so excited, I was tempted to just take off my socks and shoes and go running through the snow. But then, I got cold feet.


A janitor was accepted into Nascar.

His car goes, “Broom, Broom!”


Did you hear about the blind skunk?

He fell in love with a fart.


I say, I say, who do you call when there’s crime in Indiana?

The Indianapolis.


I’m think of opening a bondage-themed sandwich shop.

Call it BLTDSM.

“Wendy, the inspiration for the name of fast food restaurant chain died recently.”

“How’d it happen?”

The Baconator™

The baconator is a hamburger choice at Wendy’s

Unbearable.

Impregnable.

My neighbor knocked on my door and asked me to keep my moaning down during sex.

I was home alone eating hot wings.

Where’s the worst place to have a heart attack?

In the middle of a game of charades.


What does a German snake say?

ßßßßß


Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”


Never give up on your dreams!

Go back to sleep.


Three vampires walk into a bar.

One of the vampires says, “I’ll take a pint of blood.” The next says, “I’ll have one of those as well.” The third vampire says, “I’ll take a bag of plasma.”

The barkeeper says, “So, that’s two bloods and one blood lite?”

My wife sent me a text that read, “Your great!”
So naturally I texted back, “No, you’re great!”
She’s been walking around all happy and smiling.
Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

How do you console a grieving grammarian?

There, their, they’re.

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.


John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn’t take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic”. The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.

The next year’s Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”


What do you call an ostrich that practices magic?

An ostwitch.


A skunk walks into a courtroom in the middle of a trial.

The judge shouts, “Odor in the court!”


What happened when the pilot pulled a prank on the sky diver?

The skydiver fell for it.

MacBeth is holding a can of paint.

‘Urethane,’ he says.

Lady MacBeth says, ‘I’m not a Thane! You’re a Thane!’

Or “The Office”, so workers could tell their spouses that they were at The Office late.

I also have seen a bar named “He’s Not Here”.