A chemist froze himself to -273 C and everybody said he was crazy.
But he’s 0K
Lots of bars called “The Library,” especially in college towns.
Beware of the Dog.
He’s very sarcastic.
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tits a lot.
What goes clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop bang, clip clop bang, clip clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
Walking into the bar, Mike says to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ says Charlie. ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replies, ‘she came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really?’ says Charles. ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
‘She said, “Come out from under the bed.”’
A little girl is talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher says it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because,
even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl states that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterates that a whale cannot swallow a human; it is physically impossible.
The little girl says, ‘When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.’
The teacher asks, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replies, ‘Then you ask him.’
Have you heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?
It’s haunted by spirits.
There’s nothing cooler than being a lone wolf…
…except at wolf picnics when you don’t have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races.
I bought an umbrella with the brand name Napoleon.
Come the first storm, it was blown apart.
How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But it takes a whole mess of light bulbs.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
“I’ll have H20” says the 1st.
“I’ll have H20, too” says the 2nd.
The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.
What do you call a statue that likes mouthwash?:
A gargoyle.
A couple had a new baby.
A co-worker asked, “What’s her name?”
“Lilly Noelle.”
“Oh. How do you spell it then?”
Why did the cabin boy stop swabbing when he reached the end of the deck?
He didn’t want to go overboard with the cleaning.
I often wonder about Thomas Edison.
What went off in his head when he invented the light bulb?
Why is it that when Winnie the Pooh eats honey with his bare hands it’s cute…
…but when I wore a red t-shirt with no pants, and hung around a donkey, the cops showed up?
OK, I’d thought I’d heard every light bulb joke there is, but this one was new by me.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Apparently more than 10. My basement is still dark.
Can February March?
No, but April May.
What did the mirror say to the icicle?
If we had kids it would be a miracle.
On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”
She replied, “Why does everyone ask me that?”
What’s with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?
Seems Orcastrated.
If March winds bring April showers, and April showers bring May flowers - what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
June Bugs
From my kid’s book:
– For breakfast, I like to have twenty biscuits, a bottle of wine, and a dog.
– Why the dog?
– Well, someone’s gotta eat the biscuits.
A friend of mine is a pipefitter and I asked him how much money he makes.
“Well, I make ends meet.”
A friend of mine is a sausage producer and I asked him how much money he makes.
“Well, i can’t make both ends meat”
A friend of mine decorates water access devices and I asked him how much money he makes.
“I do pretty well”
A friend of mine is on a football team that won nearly all their games in the regular season and I asked him how much money he makes.
“I get by.”
A friend of mine is a corporate security consultant and I asked him how much money he makes.
He said “that’s none of your damn business”.
A friend of mine assembles La-Z-Boys and I asked him how much money he makes.
“I’m comfortable”
A friend of mine was commissioned to design a sculpture of the Rolling Stones; I asked her how much they were paying her.
“It’s in the five figures.”
(Outdated, I know…)
A friend of mine is responsible for covering all of his company’s locations in Oklahoma, I asked him how much money he makes.
“I do OK”