Excellent! I was trying to think of one for “I do OK.”
A friend works in a laboratory studying absolute zero temperatures. I asked how it paid.
“I do 0K”
So Taylor Swift stumbles upon a Time Machine.
She accidentally goes back in time and wanders into a university. As she’s looking around an older man walks in talking to someone about how galaxies are moving away from us.
The man sees her and asks, “who might you be, young lady?”
“I’m Taylor Swift,” she answers, and he is about to introduce himself when she holds up her hand to stop him. “I knew you were Hubble when you walked in."
One night a husband and wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up.
"Honey, wake up! I think there’s a burglar downstairs, and it sounds like they’re eating the cake I made!” said the wife.
Half asleep, the husband answers, "So should I call the police or the ambulance?”
Job Interviewer: It says here you went to Harvard University.
Interviewee: Yes, sir. For my cousin’s graduation.
I asked my brother if he had heard of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon.
He said “No, but I’m sure I’ll start hearing about it everywhere now!”
An Egyptian Orthodox Church was vandalized.
They called the Copts.
Job Interviewer: What’s the story with this 4-year gap on your resume?
Interviewee: That’s when I went to Yale.
Job Interviewer: That’s very impressive! We could really use someone with your high level of education.
Interviewee: Are you saying I got the yob?
“I asked my hairstylist to make me look sexy!”
“What’d she do?”
“She started drinking.”
As Moses once said,
“It isn’t what you know, it’s who you know!”
I called up the plumber and said, “Can you come right over? There’s a one-inch leak in the basement!”
He said, “That doesn’t sound too serious!”
I said, “A lot you know. We’re in a houseboat!”
Southern California is known…
…for its avant-God religions.
I’m suffering from a low-grade infection.
Every time I see my kid’s report card I get sick.
Everybody on our street has a snow blower. It’s fantastic.
We have snow that fell three weeks ago and it still hasn’t hit the ground!
That outdoor equipment store on Pikes Peak had a one day half-price sale on canoe paddles yesterday. I had to the drive up winding roads during a blizzard to get them. The trip took hours and my car skidded several times. It was quite an ordeal.
“Mr. Diamond, how did you say you want that message sent?”
“IM…I said…”
Why did the egg hide?
It was a little chicken.
It ate my wristwatch yesterday.
It was very time consuming.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost?
A cocker-poodle boo.
There once was a knight dressed in black and white garb, riding a black and white horse.
He decided to get married to a princess and therefore approached the king to ask him for his daughter’s hand. But before arriving at the castle, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered a guardian. The guardian said: “I am the first guardian! Who are you?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!” The guardian asked: “What do you want?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I want to marry the king’s daughter!” The guardian said: “You may proceed!” So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Soon, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered another guardian. The guardian said: “I am the second guardian! Who are you?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!” The guardian asked: “What do you want?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I want to marry the king’s daughter!” The guardian said: “You may proceed!” So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Then, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered yet another guardian. The guardian said: “I am the third guardian! Who are you?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!” The guardian asked: “What do you want?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I want to marry the king’s daughter!” The guardian said: “You may proceed!” So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Finally, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, reached the castle. The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, was led to the king. The king asked: “Who are you?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!” The king asked: “What do you want?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I want to marry your daughter!” The king asked: “Do you have a castle of your own?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “No.” The king said: “You cannot marry my daughter without a castle of your own!” So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, left the castle and spent some years amassing the wealth needed for building a castle. Then, he re-approached the king’s castle. Again, before arriving at the castle, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered a guardian. The guardian said: “I am the first guardian! Who are you?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!” The guardian asked: “What do you want?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I want to marry the king’s daughter!” The guardian said: “You may proceed!” So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Soon, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered another guardian. The guardian said: “I am the second guardian! Who are you?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!” The guardian asked: “What do you want?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I want to marry the king’s daughter!” The guardian said: “You may proceed!” So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Then, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered yet another guardian. The guardian said: “I am the third guardian! Who are you?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!” The guardian asked: “What do you want?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I want to marry the king’s daughter!” The guardian said: “You may proceed!” So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Finally, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, reached the castle. The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, was led to the king. The king asked: “Who are you?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!” The king asked: “What do you want?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “I want to marry your daughter!” The king asked: “Do you have a castle of your own?” The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: “Yes!” The king then said: “Get lost, all my daughters are married already.”
‘No. Too shaggy.’
TS/DR
mmm
Spock to Kirk, “I have converted the reactor to run on herbs.”
Kirk, “Fantastic, an alternative to dilithium crystals…wait? what? herbs?”
Spock, “Yes Captain, we are now capable of thyme travel.”
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
I have kleptomania.
When the urge gets too strong, I take something for it.
I say, I say, what do you call a girl who cheats on her art assignment?
Tracy.
Tornedos, hale and litening.
Now that’s a bad spell of wether.
What has five toes and isn’t your foot?
My foot.
I was reading an article about chocolate.
The article indicated that for every piece of chocolate you eat your life is reduced by 2 minutes. This means I have been dead since 1875.
Quotes
“It’s an odd job, making decent people laugh.”
-Moliere
“I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.”
-George Grossmith
“I did not begin to write poetry in earnest until the really emotional part of my life was over; and my poetry, so far as I could make out, sprang chiefly from physical conditions, such as a relaxed sore throat during my most prolific period.”
-A. E. Housman
“Osbert was wonderful, as you would expect, and Edith, of course, but then we had this lugubrious man in a suit, and he read a poem… I think it was called “The Desert”. And first the girls got the giggles and then I did and then even the King.”
-Queen Elizabeth II (the man was T. S. Eliot, the poem, The Waste Land)
“An orgy looks particularly alluring seen through the mists of righteous indignation.”
-Malcolm Muggeridge
I rang work and I said “I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough”
The boss said “You have a wee cough?”
I said “Wow, thanks. boss, see you next Wednesday!”
On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.
It’s going to be completely Excel Lent.
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are the weirdest days of the week…
They got me like WTF?
A Golden Retriever mixed with a Poodle is called a Golden Doodle.
Aren’t you glad they didn’t call it a Poo Retriever?
Policeman stops a guy running with scissors
- “Hey, where are you running with those scissors?” asks policeman.
- “To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread”
Reminds me of one I recently heard…
Traffic Cop: (having pulled over a woman for speeding): Hi. What’s your name?
Woman: Freida.
Traffic Cop: Last name?
Woman: Gogh.
Traffic Cop: You’re Freida Gogh?
Woman: Thank you officer! (Drives away).
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see his friend Gregory Peck.
Why did the hen go half-way across the road?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why do mice have such small balls?
With the costs of renting a hall, tuxedos, etc., few can afford it.
What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
One clucks defiance.
Sex is like snow.
You never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
My doctor told me that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life. But I figure if I spend six minutes smoking it, I’m coming out ahead.
A priest is told by the bishop he is being moved to a new parish
The priest tells the congregation the news and after the service a woman comes up to him crying: “This is terrible news father, just terrible. You can’t leave us. Refuse the move, tell the bishop to find someone else for the other church.”
The priest puts his arm on the woman’s shoulder and says “I realize this is difficult news for you Mrs. Johnson, but who knows? Maybe the next priest for this parish will be even better than me.”
“Oh sure,” Mrs. Johnson says in hysterics. “That’s what they told us the last time.”
I was at the airport waiting for my bags when I saw a man collapse and fall on the luggage carousel.
I was worried, but he…came around slowly.
Did you hear that Viagra reduces the risk of Alzheimer’s?
It’s quite hard to forget.
Most of us like yeast bread, but some of us prefer sourdough or even soda bread.
I guess it’s all down to how we’re raised.
What is a chess player’s favorite food?
En Croissant.
A fisherman returns from his trip and tells his friend:
“I caught a fish so big that when I reeled it in, the boat sank!”
“Well, that sounds like a whopper.”
“Oh, it was. But the best part is, when I got back to shore, the fish was waiting for me.”
Our child has a lot of will power…
…and even more won’t power.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
A limbo champ walks into a bar.
He loses.
What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaa!