It’s so hot my dream house is any house in Alaska.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
It’s so hot cows are giving evaporated milk.
It’s so hot, asphalt has a liquid state.
It’s so hot I took off my flesh and sat on my bones.
It’s so hot I saw a bird pull a worm out of the ground with an oven mitt.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
It’s so hot, E.L. James titled her next book Fifty Shades of Red.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
It’s so hot, polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
It’s so hot, I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
It’s so hot, I started putting ice-cubes in my waterbed.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
It’s so hot we had to ship the fish to Seattle just so they wouldn’t forget how to swim.
It’s so hot, Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.
It’s so hot bums are holding signs that read, “Will work for shade.”
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
It’s so hot, I get condensation on my backside from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
It’s so hot, the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar.
It’s so hot, Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
A white man was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about Juneteenth and slavery.
None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.
Did you hear that last year Walmart apologized for selling Juneteenth ice cream?
They should have known that this was a bad idea when they decided to name it “Hands Up, Don’t Scoop.”
What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he’s bored?
He racism.
What do you mean June is over.
Julying.
Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah nah nah. Nah nah nah.
Hey, June.
You take singing lessons? You have a lawyer?
Get a lawyer and sue your singing teacher.
- Simon Cowell
Skiing is the only sport in which you spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg.
- Henry Beard
If you can’t sleep, count sheep.
Don’t count endangered animals. If you count endangered animals, you will run out.
- Mitch Hedberg
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking your cat for directions.
- Andy Borowitz
Newton’s law of the internet:
For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction.
- Damien Fahey
This one literally made me LOL. Ah Mitch, ya left us too soon.
Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?
Because Pride goeth before the fall.
TikTok does one thing well.
Darwinism.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,
…but only for like 20 seconds.
I said to my wife, “Honey, you’re like a wrench!”
She said, “O-kay, but why?”
I answered, “Because everytime I see you my nuts get tight.”
I debated a flat earther once.
He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
i saw some views of Mount Rushmore before the carvings were made
The views were unpresidented.
Why did the Libertarian cross the road?
None of your business. Am I being detained?
A pornstar and a bible salesman walk into a courtroom…
Oh, wait, this isn’t the Politics & Elections thread.
I told my neighbor I saw a reindeer on the way to work this morning.
She said, “How did you know it was on its way to work?”
Why is vision the last sense we lose at death?
Because the eyes die late.
'Twas the worst decision of my life to stop taking Viagra.
Now I keep rolling out of bed.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, ‘Olive, or Twist?’
I’m no actor…
…and I’ve got 64 pictures to prove it.
- Victor Mature
My jokes are one of the reasons Liz Taylor went on a diet.
When I took her to SeaWorld and Shamu the Whale jumped out of the water, she asked if it came with vegetables.
- Joan Rivers
Where else but in America can a poor black boy like Michael Jackson…
… grow up to be a rich white woman?
- Red Buttons
Mr. [James] Dean appears to be wearing my last year’s wardrobe…
and using my last year’s talent.
- Marlon Brando
Bette [Davis] and I are very good friends.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t say to her face—both of them.
- Tallulah Bankhead
Did you adopt your dog?
No. He’s my biological dog.
A lot of dogs and their owners do tend to resemble each other…
What do you do with a dog who has no legs?
Take him “draggies.”
A Golden Retriever mixed with a Poodle is called a Golden Doodle.
Aren’t you glad they didn’t call it a Poo Retriever?
I taught a wolf to meditate.
Now he’s aware wolf.
Why did the wild Australian dog have no answer when he was asked if the party was good?
Because he dingo.
A Great Dane and a Poodle are in nearby kennels at a vet’s office.
Poodle: “I get overly excited and pee on the floor when my owner comes home. His evil wife is having me put to sleep. What are you in for?”
Dane: “That’s too bad. I got way too excited when my owner started doing Bikram yoga. I couldn’t help it…I started humping her like crazy.”
Poodle: “So is she putting you down too?”
Dane: “Naw, I’m just getting my nails done.”
“Your kitten killed our Rottweiler.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!”
“My cute little kitten? I can’t believe it. How?”
“He choked on it.”
I would have sworn I made that joke, but it seems I didn’t. I must have made it on Facebook.
I got it from Upjoke.
(OK, I’ll say it:)
What’s Upjoke?
Ain’t I a stinker?
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing. He can’t come when you call anyway.
A guy is listening to two fat broads from the UK talk:
“Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?”
“Wales, you idiot!”
“I’m sorry. Are you whales from Scotland?”
Moderating:
We’re trying to reduce the amount of misogyny on the board. Please don’t make jokes about “fat broads”.
Thanks