nm up yours Discourse
Kept us alive?
I was going for a Life Of Brian riff.
Ah. I am often clueless about such things.
I got it. 
I thought at first @thorny_locust was just doing the riff with you.
“OK, Besides potatoes, corn, and wheat and other vegetables giving us booze and chips and corn dogs, and keeping us alive, what have the vegetables ever done for us?”
How about musical vegetables ?
Which leads us to: Veggie Tales parody titles we will never see
The girl that I fancy only knows her alphabet from N to Z.
She doesn’t know that I exists.
Searching for a book in his library, Napoleon finally found it on the top shelf, just out of his reach.
“Permit me, sire,” said Marshall Mouncey, stepping forward. “I am higher than your Majesty.”
“No,” replied Napoleon, “you’re only longer.”
I say, I say, why do witches go to the circus?
To see the acro-bats.
I have a son who needs orthodonture, his tonsils taken out, glasses,
and orthopedic shoes.
It’s like I told my wife, “This is the last kid we take ‘as is’!”
I didn’t really do well in school.
I even had to take remedial sandbox.
Dragging this over from the 2024 NBA playoff thread for those that don’t follow courtesy of @ekedolphin Burdened with Glorious Purpose
“Jerry West apparently decided he’d rather die than watch the Celtics win another championship. You’ve gotta respect that.”
(West who recently died was an All-Star player with the Los Angeles Lakers who lost many a championship to the Celtics. He was also a star coach, General Manager, Commentator for the Lakers then the Miami Heat. Also credited with being the figure in the NBA Logo.)
“I was born a male, identify as a male; but according to Stouffer’s Lasagne, I am a family of four.”
How does Kylo Ren celebrate Father’s Day?
Solo.
God says to Jesus, “You remembered it’s Father’s Day?”
Jesus says “What am I supposed to get someone who has everything?!”
God turns & winks at camera
“Omnipresents.”
What did Dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?
This changes everything!
When is Father’s Day ?
Nine months after Father’s Night.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
When is Mother’s Day? 
(That’s the way I heard it.)
I have a pretty good Father’s Day joke.
Can’t wait to tell it to my dad when he finally comes home with the milk.
My dad was the town drunk.
A lot of times that’s not that bad, but New York City?
- Henny Youngman
The problem with the designated driver program is it’s not a desirable job.
But if you ever get suckered into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy
I had to stop driving my car for awhile.
The tires got dizzy.
- Steven Wright
While I was going for a bus ride, the little boy in the seat ahead of me turned around and made faces at me.
At first it was cute, then it was boring, and finally annoying. So I said, "My mom always told me if you make ugly faces like that your face will freeze and you’ll stay like that.
The little shit replied, “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
I’m not working out.
My philosophy is, “No pain, no pain.”
- Carol Leifer
Or you could be the designated decoy.
I say, I say, did you hear Vin Diesel’s become an environmentalist?
He’s Vin Electric now.
Why is it that milk is the fastest thing in the world?
It’s pasteurized before you ever see it.
Who is the worst person you can ask for advice on gift giving to your girlfriend?
Her husband.
Why are flags the most erotic of cloths?
Because when the wind blows, they do pole dances.
I didn’t learn about turtles as school.
They never tortoise.
Me: “Man, I NEED a drink. I was almost rear ended coming over here. He was this close (holds up fingers touching).”
Buddy with a few drinks in already: "You know you’re always exaggerating 
“How close was he?”
Me: “The FASTEN REAR SEAT BELTS light came on.”
The midwest heat dome is making it unusually hot all week long here in Michigan. How hot is it?
It’s so hot…
…chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
…dairy farmers are getting evaporated milk from their cows.
…I saw a funeral procession stop at a Dairy Queen.
…I poured McDonald’s coffee on my lap to cool down.
…the ice cream man had to change his truck sign to just ‘cream’.