Heh? Not getting the joke or reference. I said she was doing it with Santa, not a furry.
Menopause as in “men o’ paws”…get it? I’m here all week!
I saw mama humping Santa Claus
She said it was because of menopause
Jesus At McDonald’s - Mojo Nixon
Ah, ok, thanks. Embarrassing to reveal that I’m not hip enough to get a Mojo Nixon ref 
Hey, lexdysia is no laughing matter.
On a related one, do you know what DNA stands for?
…
…
…
National Dyslexic Association
Old MacDonald Tries Arable Farming …
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had a carrot, E-I-E-I-O
With a here and a there
Here a , there a , everywhere a .
I really hope Randall Munroe makes an xkcd of that joke so I can go to explainxkcd dot com and find out why it’s funny…
ETA: okay I just now got the carrot/caret pun (caret=missing) pun, but the arable farming bit is escaping me.
I thought the gag was, he switched from animals that make sounds to crops that, y’know, make no sound.
Okay, that works. I presume that “arable farming” implies that a farm has no livestock?
This.
To go really esoteric:
Old MacDonald had a Liber Usualis
E-U-O-U-A-E…
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…
But I never got the chants.
A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.
When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.
While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.
He started screaming and yelling, “Help me, help me!”
The Lion ran to him and said, “Shut up! You are going to get us both fired!”
What do you call a Emo kid in Hawaii?
A Tropical Depression.
From where do you get pineapple milk?
From its pinenipples!
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.
My hotel room was so small…
…the refrigerator opened IN.
An amateur huntsman came back to the hunting lodge and said, “I shot an elk.”
Another guest said, “How’d you know it was an elk?”
The amateur hunter said, “By his membership card!”
My cousin was told to try his hand at nude painting.
A week later he had pneumonia.
Prices keep going up.
Today I saw a gumball machine that takes bills.
In my closet I have a golf moth.
It makes 18 holes in one day.
Potatoes make chips, French fries, and vodka.
It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If someone who eats vegetable is called a vegetarian…
… does that mean someone who eats humans is a humanitarian?
A young suicide bomber’s mother was interviewed after the attack.
She was asked her thoughts on his death and said with a tear in her eye, “They blow up so fast.”
You know, Son, I killed 15 people in Afghanistan."
But, Dad, you were a surgeon.
Yeah, but I never said I was a good one.
What do you call a petrified turkey?
A gobblestone.
How do stars die?
They usually overdose.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
Easy weight loss technique:
Step 1: Initiate Brexit.
Step 2: Lose 440 million pounds a week.
What do you call a vegan burger?
A misteak.
Survivor: Texas Edition
Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: “Survivor - Texas Edition”.
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilene, Fort Worth and then, finally, back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with a bumper sticker which will read:
“I’m Here To Confiscate Your Guns”
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.
They said I had a pre-existing condition.
To be fair, corn and wheat also have booze and chips.
and corn has dogs.
All right, all right! Beside potatoes, corn, and wheat, giving us booze and chips and corn dogs, what have the vegetables ever done for us?