I went to the paint store to get thinner.
It didn’t work.
The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year-old Himalayan rock salt bed.
The label says the expiry date is June 2024.
I’m so glad they dug it up just in time.
A group of hard of hearing people are protesting
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids!”
“When do we want it?”
“Hearing aids!”
Have you ever tried Turkish food?
You oughtta man!
What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?
He was forced to resort to excessive violins.
There are four stages of old age:
You forget names.
Then you forget faces.
Next, you forget to zip up.
And finally, you forget to zip down.
Final stage: you get zipped up.
At the photographer’s studio:
Shutterbug: First we’ll shoot you, then we’ll blow you up,then you can go home and hang yourself.
George: Our new neighbor’s getting to be a real pest.
Martha: Didn’t you lend him your rake?
George: Yes, but he just came back for mower.
Real estate broker. I tell you this new house has no flaws at all.
Buyer: Then what do y’all walk on?
Thelma: What did Miss Muffet say when the spider asked her for a date?
Selma: Ha! No whey!
Patient: Doc, you’ve cured me! I used to think I was a golden retriever, but you set me straight.
Psychiatrist: I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better.
Patient: I sure am, Doc. Just feel my nose!
My doctor told me I’m a hypochondriac…
…but that I shouldn’t worry about it.
In Kansas City, a 70 year old man robbed a bank because he preferred incarceration to living with his wife of 50 years.
Sad part is that she indicated that she would visit him every single day.
The greatest act of cooperation in human history…
…is that 1000 islands could all agree on a single salad dressing.
I wanted to get a vasectomy but I didn’t have a lot of money.
My doctor cut me a great deal.
Why is Jesus so popular?
Because he is rizzin’!
What’s white and streaks across the sky?
The coming of the Lord.
What does Harry Potter say at the gas pump?
Expensive petroleum!
I taught English in Germany.
The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.
The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.
D Day was a bit tricky.
Where do you keep lollipops?
The licker cabinet.
What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment?
Instant Greta-fication.
What do they call a joke thats very unique and nothing like anyone has seen before?
Reposted.
A musical version of Titanic is in the works; yeah, that should go down well.
Ouch! Bad pun.
And now I have that song stuck in my head.
Oh, it was sad (so sad)
Oh, it was sad (too bad)
Oh it was sad when the gre-at ship went down (to the bo-ot-tom). . .
There was actually a Titanic musical. I saw it, and it wasn’t very good.
The song in my head is one that I heard at camp and never learned all of the words to. It was irreverent.
Back when I played hockey, they used to call me “the Titanic.”
I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.
Titanic jokes aren’t funny anymore. They’re so old and outdated.
That ship has sailed a long time ago.
During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem.
They deployed the swat team.
Dad walks into strip club:
Dad: “Twerking hard or hardly twerking?”
Paraprosdokians
a figure of speech) in which the latter part of a sentence, phrase, or larger discourse is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing ananticlimax
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Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
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Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a smoothie.
Death should not be seen as the end,
…but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
- Woody Allen
I don’t get no respect. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.
He told me to wear a brown necktie.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I’ve been on every diet in the world.
I’ve been on Slim-Fast, yeah. For breakfast you have a shake. For lunch, you have a shake. For dinner you kill anyone with food on their plate.
- Rosie O’Donnell
I try too hard to be politically correct.
Whenever I fill out an application for a credit card, under marital status, I write
“pre-owned.”
- Fran Chernowsky
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner
If I had been told as a kid in the 1960s that robots would call my house several time a day, I would have thought it was ‘really neat’.
Now that robots ARE calling my house several times a day, I find it really annoying.
Me: “I’m addicted to buying old Beatles records.”
Friend: “Sounds like you need help.”
Me: “No, I already have that one.”
I asked my wife, “Did you know Old MacDonald was replaced by artificial intelligence?”
“A I ?”
“A I .”
“Oh.”
I just found out my father had trained to be a mime for eleven years.
He sure kept that quiet.
My watch just made a grinding sound.
I think I’m down a quartz.
Chuck Norris once attended a feminist rally.
He came back with his shirt ironed and holding a sandwich.
One year I had been naughty and Santa left me coal.
So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.
Yeah, Santa’s a bastard. You don’t want to know what I saw him doing with my mom once.
Between the two of you, are you sure it’s Santa who’s the bastard?
Well, it’s not like I was trying to spy on them-- they were doing it right underneath the mistletoe.
Did she say it was because of menopause?