Priest and a little girl walking down the street when a rabbit crosses the road and gets run over by a car.
Girl sees it laying there all splattered and starts crying and begging the preacher to do something.
Priest pulls out a small bottle and sprinkles some liquid on the rabbit.
Rabbit moves a bit then jumps up, shakes its tail and hops off.
Girl is so happy, hugs the Priest and thanks him. Then she asks him “Was that holy water?”
Priest says “no… hair restorer”.
He has no more ‘F’s left to give, it sounds like.
I’m looking out the window at them now… and they’re off…
Just trying to make a quick buck.
I said, "I race motorcycles."
She asked, "Do you win many races?"
I said, "No, the bikes are much faster."
He was suspended.
…He discovered he was a tad Polish.
None of them responded.
The Halloween candy at Walmart is starting to melt.
Catch it in the Winter.
Mine’s looking like I have a great personality.
Sunscream.
Worker: I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.
Boss: Why not?
Worker: It knows too much.
It must have been made by a part-time employee.
Use cyberspice.
Car owner: First summerize the cost.
Clair: Snew? What’s snew?
Blair: Not much, what’s snew with you?
Epic Rap Battles of History used that joke in their Bill Gates vs. Steve Jobs battle: “I gotta bring up some basic shit; why’d you name your company after your dick?”
I’ve been asked to invest in a company that makes glass coffins. They say it’ll take off, but, well, remains to be seen.
Do they have a layaway plan?
I didn’t hear that version, but rather in the context of his wedding night.
They’ll on spend it on beer and cigarettes.’ I’d always assumed that they were. I’ve never given money to a homeless guy and thought, ‘I hope he’s putting that into his IRA.’
but I imagine the rush is like remembering there’s pie in the fridge.
…it looks stolen.
No matter how difficult a task may seem, if you’re not afraid to try it — and if you really put your mind to it — you can do it. And when you’re done, it will leak.
No one has ever seen her lips move.
The problem with heroin is … it’s so moreish.
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
The Colonel asks, “son, why are you standing guard by this bench?”
“I wouldn’t know, sir,” answers the Private. “The Sergeant assigned a guard duty for it, and today is my shift.”
So the Colonel goes and finds the Sergeant, and asks him, “Sergeant, why do you have a private guarding the park bench?”
“Captain’s orders, sir,” answers the Sergeant. “I have been ordered to assign a guard detail around that bench, so each day a different private stands guard.”
Intrigued, the Colonel visits the company HQ and asks for the Captain. “Captain, why did you assign a guard duty to the park bench?”
“Sir,” answers the Captain, “this has been a standing order by your retired predecessor, ever since he took command of this unit six years ago. All I know is that on his very first day, he walked past that bench, briefly rested on it, and then, as soon as he reached HQ, his first order was to ensure that bench remains unused. We had armed guards posted to it ever since. Shall the guard be removed, sir?”
“No,” answers the Colonel, “keep the guard until we find the reason for it, it could be important.”
After two months on the job, the Colonel took some leave, and traveled to the retirement home where his predecessor, now an old, crusty retired General, spends his days. “General,” asks the Colonel, “do you remember why there is an armed guard assigned to the park bench where you sat six years ago, on the first day of your assignment to the unit I’m now in command of?”
The General stands dumbfounded for a moment, then asks, “YOU MEAN THE PAINT STILL HASN’T DRIED?”
At the club, the doorman says, Hi, Jim, how are you? The wife asks, How does he know you? Jim says, Oh dear, I play football with him.
Inside the Bartender Says, The Usual, Jim? Jim says to Wife, Before you say anything, He’s on the Darts team.
Next a stripper Says, Hi, Jim! Do you crave the special again?
The Wife storms out, dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi.
The Taxi driver Says, Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…
Jim’s funeral is on Sunday.
She replied, “I made it into ghee.”
“Oh,” I said, “thanks for clarifying.”
And then came the assumptions,
And the assumptions were without form,
And the plan without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers,
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
“It is a crock of shit and it stinks.”
And the workers went unto their supervisors, saying,
“It is a pile of dung, and we cannot live with the smell.”
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying,
“It is a container of manure, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the managers went unto their directors, saying,
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength.”
And the directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
“It contains that which aids plants growth, and it is very strong.”
And the directors went to the vice presidents, saying unto them,
“It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the vice presidents went to the president, saying unto him,
“This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the president looked upon the plan,
And saw that it was good,
And the plan became policy.
And this, my friends, is how shit happens.
The guy exclaims “Where-do you think you’re going!?” and yanks the fridge’s plug out.
What did you think I was going to spend it on??
- Steve Hughes
It’s legen-dairy.
I left it in the garden and they haven’t even opened the box yet.
The seaweed.
None. They use gaslighting.
Don’t ask meow.
There’s a new Apple phone out. To commemorate Donald Trump.
The iDJT
It’s a good thing they don’t have metal detectors at the entrance.
When I wanted to fire the pool boy, she said, “You just feel threatened by young virile males because you’re getting older and you’re coping with your own mortality.”
And my argument was, “We don’t have a pool.”
…are all his predictions partly cloudy?
They call themselves The Loggerythms.
A Norse hoarse horse course, of course.
If Al Gore started a band with a computer programmer, would they call it The Algorithms?
