That’s consonant with my experience too.
I C what you did there…
He’s going to be sitting on that toilet for a spell.
mmm
I just hope he’s not the type to reuse bathroom tiles.
Playing Scrabble is like talking to women…
You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words.
I haven’t kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club.
Now they’re sending me threatening letters.
I once put a Scrabble tile into a Nerf gun and shot it at my friend, killing him instantly.
It was an accident though; I thought it was a blank.
Apparently, many think that stating letters and their Scrabble values is a good idea…
…I for one agree.
Where do Viking warrior Scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla.
I’m so old, I remember when Ellen DeGeneres was funny.
“Hey, my I’s are up here, mister!”
Sorry. Was distracted by the double letter score.
I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people.
At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.
- Robert G. Lee
What the hell is wrong with these white kids shooting up the schools?
Soon you’re gonna have little white kids saying, “I want to go to a black school, where it’s safe.”
- Chris Rock
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious.
The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
- Jay Leno
I don’t get no respect.
A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I’m dating the pope.
But I’m just using him to get to God.
- Judy Tenuta
I grew up in a tough neighborhood. We didn’t shoot people, we inserted the bullets manually.
This is one of my favorite jokes of all time. Short and perfect.
More Rodney Dangerfield:
“What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.”
“I told my psychiatrist, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”
“I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.”
I knew a bar that was so rough, that they’d frisk you for guns when you came in the door.
If you were unarmed, they’d loan you one.
You know you’re hungover…
…when you brush your teeth with your sunglasses on.
- Anna Kendricks
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions.
I think the whole premise is flawed. You’re supposed to find true happiness outside of work — from friends, family and YouTube videos of old people falling
down.
- Craig Ferguson
My whole family is lactose intolerant.
When we all take a picture we can’t say “Cheese”.
- Jay London
I’ve done a comedy gig in a prison before.
A guy got up ten minutes into my set and went back to his cell. That’s a heckle.
- Kevin Bridges
I hate the way Hollywood always changes everything.
For instance, Twister the movie is nothing like the board game.
- Tony Cowards
How can you tell if a Scotsman is from a certain clan?
Look under his kilt. If he has a Quarter-Pounder, he’s a McDonald.
My boss is so cheap.
When a worker is here for twenty-five years, the company gives him a testimonial coffee break.
His wife had a catered affair.
She carried on with the guy from the delicatessen.
I believe in exercise.
I may not jog or play tennis, but I’m a very brisk eater.
I went to a chic eye doctor.
She gave me a prescription for wire-rimmed contact lenses.
I went to the race track the other day.
My horse would have won, but he kept looking back for his plow. That horse was so slow it ran faster when it became glue.
A surgeon told a patient, “I have bad news and good news for you.
The bad news is—I slipped during your prostate operation and cut off your testicles by mistake. The good news is—they weren’t malignant!"
On Melinda and Bill Gates’s wedding night, Melinda learned how he got the name of his company.
Good one! Surprised I hadn’t though of (nor seen) that one before today.
A pizza delivery driver pulls up next to an ambulance…
…and motions for the paramedic to roll down their window.
“You know, we have pretty much the same job” says the delivery driver.
“Yeah, and how’s that?”
“We both try to deliver them warm.”
I know something you’re bound to enjoy.
Bondage.
I didn’t get the job
I suspect that it’s because I was pitchy when my interviewers asked me if I could perform under pressure.
If it takes .5 seconds on the fore-swing and .3 seconds on the backswing, how many time in a minute can you hit a gorilla with a baseball bat?
Once.
A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to “a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds.”
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “Wow!” were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar.
The bartender said, “Say, you’re the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answered, “Fifteen pounds.”
The bartender was puzzled. “Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?”
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, “Had him circumcised.”
He swallowed a bunch of "E"s and now doesn’t care.