More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
4792

Curiosity killed the cat.

But for a while there I was a suspect.

  • Steven Wright

Transsexuals…

…aren’t what they used to be.

  • Jimmy Carr

I’m reading “Hints from Heloise,” …

…and she says that if you put an angora sweater in the freezer for an hour, it won’t
shed for the rest of the day. And I’m thinking, “My cat sheds an awful lot.”

  • Ellen DeGeneres

Comedy is when you accidentally fall off a cliff and die.

Tragedy is when I have a hangnail.

  • Mel Brooks

The two most beautiful words in the English language are:

“Check enclosed.”

  • Dorothy Parker
4793

The pollen in Phoenix is so bad that people are turning their meth back into Sudafed.

4794

Stealing.

4795

Yeast is an amazing organism— it literally pees alcohol. Christ was often turning water into wine, which is pretty amazing, but yeast is close to that Christ-like power— it can turn grape juice into wine. And I’m not sure I want to know how Christ turned water into wine…

4796

A point which Benjamin Franklin made, that the miracle of water to wine is constantly repeated all around us. Which he took as proof that God loved us and wanted us to be happy.

4797

I thought that was beer. No?

4798

He also liked beer, and had several notable quotes in praise of it, too. And he probably would have agreed that beer was also proof of God’s love. But the actual quote is the wine one.

4799

Cool! Ignorance fought!

4800

I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said:

“You have reached the end of your free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes .com.”

Is this the right place for politically incorrect jokes?

I have this great one about President Henry Clay.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they’re US AF.

I’m not a racist, I just believe that…

…the Indy 500 is superior to all other races.

I saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed.

AlgaeBTQ.

4801

There’s no fifth month in my calendar.

I’m dismayed.

4802

What’s the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?
I don’t know.

So it was you!

Picard: We’re having problems with the computer.
Ricker: Have you tried disabling cookies?

Picard: Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.

P: I’ve accidently swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
R. Are you going to be alright?

P: My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

4803

What do you call a urologist with a TikTok account?

A DikDok.

I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

A recent survey indicates Disco is making a comeback.

First I was afraid, I was petrified.

When I was a kid I sucked at math.

And now I’m dealing with the aftermath.

There are so many tornadoes in Oklahoma…

…the state bird is lawn furniture.

4804

Any word yet on P’s condition?

4805

No, doctors are drawing a blank.

4806

In 1958 when Nissan wanted to market their export line of cars, they needed a new name for the brand.

They contacted a German marketing firm for advice. Nissan said, ‘Oh, and we need the new name in seven days.’ The German marketing firm said, ‘Dat soon?’

4807

They’re trying to find an A & E,

4808

I heard he just threw up and some tiles got lodged in his sinus passages, so they need to find an ENT.

4809

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.

4810

He just needs a good vowel movement.

4811

They’ve tried everything from A to Z.