Coincidenally, that same mortician was working the night shift a few days later when a body was brought in. The mortician removed its clothing and began to examine the body. When he got to the backside, he observed a cork firmly implanted in the anal opening. Curious, the mortician removed the cork. Suddenly, from the posterior came the first line of the song Danny Boy, in the most hauntingly beautiful baritone Irish lilt:
“Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…”
Surprised, the mortician quickly replaces the cork, and the song immediately stops.
The mortician tries removing the cork a second time:
“…from glen to glen, and down the mountainside….”
He reinserts the cork and gets on the phone with his supervisor. “Sorry to wake you up boss, but there’s something you got to see. No, if I told you over the phone you wouldn’t believe me; you have to see it for yourself.”
About an hour later the supervisor arrives. The mortician says “check this out” and triumphantly removes the cork from the dead man’s posterior once again.
“Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…”
“This is what you got me out of a sound sleep and dragged me down here for in the middle of the night?” The supervisor angrily says. “Some asshole singing Danny Boy?”
An ailing man went to the most expensive doctor he could find.
The doctor started off by saying that his first office visit would cost two hundred dollars. The man said, ‘““That’s a lot of money. I can’t afford that.”
The doctor said, “Now that you’re here, I’ll only charge a hundred.”
“Doc, a hundred is too much. I’m taking care of my aged parents.”
“Seventy-five, is that all right?”
“With six kids?”
The fee was finally lowered to ten dollars and accepted.
The doctor went on, “I’m curious. You know that I’m the most expensive doctor in the city. Why did you come to me?”
The man said, “Where my health is concerned, money is no object!”
A car ran over a rooster. The owner of the car was most concerned.
He told the farmer, “I didn’t mean to run over your rooster, and more than anything,
I’d like to replace him.”
The farmer said, “Well, go ahead, then. Introduce yourself to the chickens—they’re
in the back!”
A man bragged, “For ten years my habits were like clockwork.
I got up at six, had breakfast at seven, and at seven-fifteen I was at work.”
Another man nearby said, “No kidding? What were you in for?”
Oops. So it is, though it’s not autocorrect: it’s being tired and trying to type quietly because it irritates my wife if I’m typing while she’s trying to read!
My surfboard’s ready for the tidal wave