More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
4952

A father is having a heart-to-heart talk with his young son, who is crying and very distraught.

“Look son, the breakup isn’t your fault at all. It’s nobody’s fault, really; sometimes, even when two people love each other very much, they still can’t make things work; they need to split up, and go live in different places. When you’re a grownup, you’ll understand. Now, do you feel better?”

The youngster, though still crying, tentatively nods his head ‘yes’.

“Great! Now go get inside the orphanage-- they expected you to show up 10 minutes ago.”

4953

I saw a Monteith and Rand show on one of the Showtime in the '80s. One of the skits was a musical bit where Suzanne Rand relates going to the hardware store. I don’t remember the exact words, but it went something like this.

:notes: I went down to the hardware store for to buy a hinge.
The salesman said, ‘Do you want a screw for your hinge?’
No, I don’t wanna screw for my hinge,
But I’ll blow you for the toaster in the corner. :notes:

The skit is probably/possibly in this video, but I don’t have an hour and forty minutes to look for it.

4954

What’s the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years.

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn’t watch.

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

I’ve always wondered why lemonade is made from artificial flavors…

…and furniture polish is made from real lemons ?

A woman agreed to go out with me because I gave her a bottle of lemonade

That’s right, I Schwepped her off her feet.

4955

Ain’t that the truth :frowning_face:

4956

According to my son, the winner is the Voyager I spacecraft, which is 163.939 AU from the sun and receding at 3.572 AU/year.

4957

So, roughly 38,000 mph.

4958

Why is this posted to the Jokes thread?

4959

It’s a reply to the “Who won the presidential debate last night?” question.

4960

An alternative answer to the question - -

4961

That wasn’t obvious. It looked like a post made to the wrong thread.

4962

Not to be confused with the author of hard-boiled detective novels, the author of textbooks: Mickey X. Spillane

4963

Many people in the US don’t work on the 4th of July.

Fire works on the 4th of July, though.

Little known fact, Moses had a motorcycle.

It literally says so in the Bible:
“And lo, the roar of Moses’ Triumph was heard throughout Israel”

Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter of no use in Scotland?

Disneyland.

A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

4964

What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney ?
Bing sings, but Walt Disney.

4965

I can’t stop taking blurry pics of myself in the shower.

It must be selfie steam issues.

My wife is leaving me because I tell too many Star Wars puns.

Divorce is strong with this one.

I’ve decided to start dating women over 70.

Time to try a new wrinkle.

My dad told me, “Try and find a girl with a horrible tattoo to marry you.”

“Uh, why is that, Dad?”
“Because even when she makes a terrible decision, she sticks with it.”

Is there rehab for gossiping?

I don’t need it, but let me tell you about my friend…

4966

I have a pencil that was once owned by William Shakespeare. Unfortunately he chewed on it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

“Justice is a dish best served cold.”
“Why?”
“If it were served warm, it would be justwater.”

I thought my wife was just joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing, “l’m a believer”… then I saw her face.

As Pooh Bear readied to beam down, he realized he was wearing a red shirt.

I’m taking a leave of absence. I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there shortly.

I was once in a band called Hinges. We opened for the Doors.

I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today. His parents weren’t too happy about it.

“I realize everyone is fed up with my dad jokes. How can I stop my addiction?”

“By whatever means necessary.”

“No it doesn’t.”

4967

Why didn’t music students get to learn theory in 2009?

Because 2008 the music.

How many musicians does it take to paper a room?

Three, if you slice them thin enough.

What’s the definition of “half step”?

Two oboes playing in unison.

Cobra:

a brassiere for Siamese twins.

A patient was told by his doctor that an intricate and costly operation was mandatory.

“You needn’t worry about the cost,” soothed the doctor. “Just pay me two thousand dollars down and five hundred a month for the next three years.”
“Sounds like buying a car,” commented the patient.
“You’re right,” the doctor assured him. “I am.”

4968

coffee - one who was coughed upon

4969

“Honey, I have terrible insomnia.”

“Go to sleep, it won’t bother you.”

She comes from a real wild family.

Her family Bible has only six commandments, and two of those are just requests!

I feel like a tap dancer in the canoe of life!

Money can’t buy happiness…

… but neither can poverty.

She’s so lonesome…

…her answering machine died of rust.

4970

Alan Rickman’s answering machine

4971

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent a lot of it.

(Money can’t buy happiness - almost a thread of its own.)