No, you carry on any which way you like. It is appreciated.
mmm
No, you carry on any which way you like. It is appreciated.
mmm
The one day of the year this joke works (in the US, anyway)
“Hey Caesar, what’s the date today?”
“8/2 Brute”
Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, “Don’t look at me, I’m not flat”.
In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he’d like to live with.
“Well, not papa bear, he beats me,” says baby bear.
“So, mama bear?” asks the Judge.
“Oh, no, she beats me even worse than papa bear,” says baby bear.
“So who would you like to live with?” the Judge asks curiously.
“My grandma bear in Chicago.” says baby bear.
“Your grandma bear doesn’t beat you?” asks the Judge?
“Oh, no, the Chicago Bears don’t beat anyone.”
Employer: And I’d like to pay you what you’re worth, but I can’t because there are minimum wage laws.
Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.
Barq’s.
Now I only drink for evil.
To sea kelp!
after dinner, but before coffee and the bill.
…I can’t even count.
It said, “Sorry, my fault.”
I’m not going to drink any more.
(or any less.)
The Business Major.
Deadbeat: Happy birthday?
Will: That must have been a debt-defying leap.
Chloe: Is she nice?
Joey: No! She cries all the time.
Chloe: Maybe she needs to be changed.
Joey: We can’t change her. We’ve lost the receipt.
Doctor: Why do you think so?
Husband: It must be—she’s been giving me a piece of it every day for 20 years!
NASA is sending a manned mission to the Sun
Won’t it get really hot?
No problem - they will go at night.
Sure. Lock homes.
I guess it must be a Freudian slip.
…is like fat people burning a gym.
Expellianus.
If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Freud thought everything was all about the penis, but that’s just a phallusy.
A Welsh guy was telling me about all his old girlfriends the other day. But he fell asleep halfway through.
Because they are constantly jalapeño business.
She’ll see right through you.
…but you cannot make him think.
“Mr. President,” the four-star general began, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” the president asked.
“The country is being taken over by aliens from another planet.”
“My God,” the president said. “What’s the good news?”
“The good news is", said the general, “they pee oil and they’ve eaten Mitch McConnell."
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”
His roommate replies, “Canadian.”
Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”
The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”
Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”
His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
What’s the biggest difference between Disney movies and porn movies?
Disney movies teach you to hate your stepmother.
OK, I laughed at this one.
I’m probably a sicko, but I don’t care.
Ew, sicko. Get away.
… if you leave your car unlocked in the summer, he’s going to leave you 6 zucchinis on your front seat.
“Well, looks like it’s working” before putting up a shelf.
that stops by your table at Culver’s asking if you’d like a free frozen custard because he accidentally ordered two.
Proseciutto.
Only two, but still more than anyone expected.
The other trees are singing Happy Birthday to the oak and it sounds terrible.
They look at the pine and say, “A little pitchy there, dude.”
Her husband has crystal balls.
I want someone to walk in dressed in the clothes I died in, pull out a sonic screwdriver and say: “Now, gang, this is where it gets complicated…”
Unless you want to buy anything, go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone.
He wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.
He used to get Rosetta stoned.
An improvement??
My college girlfriend had this weird ability of speaking in different languages when she got high.
We used to get Rosetta stoned.
The Emir’s peace envoy to the Caliph:
“Umayyad, bro?”