No, you carry on any which way you like. It is appreciated.
mmm
The one day of the year this joke works (in the US, anyway)
“Hey Caesar, what’s the date today?”
“8/2 Brute”
All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible.
Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, “Don’t look at me, I’m not flat”.
Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce.
In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he’d like to live with.
“Well, not papa bear, he beats me,” says baby bear.
“So, mama bear?” asks the Judge.
“Oh, no, she beats me even worse than papa bear,” says baby bear.
“So who would you like to live with?” the Judge asks curiously.
“My grandma bear in Chicago.” says baby bear.
“Your grandma bear doesn’t beat you?” asks the Judge?
“Oh, no, the Chicago Bears don’t beat anyone.”
Employee: I’d like to be paid what I’m worth.
Employer: And I’d like to pay you what you’re worth, but I can’t because there are minimum wage laws.
How do you make a whale float?
Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.
What’s a dog’s favorite kind of root beer?
Barq’s.
I quit drinking for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Where does a depressed otter go?
To sea kelp!
The Italian pastry chef widely believed to be the person who came up with tiramisu has died aged 81. Roberto “Loli” Linguanotto’s funeral will take place on Thursday…
after dinner, but before coffee and the bill.
I failed Math so many times as school…
…I can’t even count.
One tectonic plate bumped into another.
It said, “Sorry, my fault.”
I’m not going to drink any more.
(or any less.)
What officer takes care of the Army’s finances?
The Business Major.
Irate storekeeper: Sir, this unpaid bill is one year old! What have you got to say?
Deadbeat: Happy birthday?
Bill: I heard a man jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge rather than pay his income tax.
Will: That must have been a debt-defying leap.
Joey: I’ve got a new baby sister at home.
Chloe: Is she nice?
Joey: No! She cries all the time.
Chloe: Maybe she needs to be changed.
Joey: We can’t change her. We’ve lost the receipt.
Husband: Doc, you’ve got to examine my wife—I think her mind is finally gone!
Doctor: Why do you think so?
Husband: It must be—she’s been giving me a piece of it every day for 20 years!
NASA is sending a manned mission to the Sun
Won’t it get really hot?
No problem - they will go at night.
I say, I say, what is the speed limit for sex?
- At 69 you blow a rod.
There’ve been an awful lot of burglaries in London lately. Do you have any advice, Dr. Watson?
Sure. Lock homes.
My wife bought what was meant to be a sexy negligee, but when she wears it she reminds me of my mother.
I guess it must be a Freudian slip.
MAGA burning a library…
…is like fat people burning a gym.
What do students at Hogwarts use instead of laxatives?
Expellianus.
If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Freud thought everything was all about the penis, but that’s just a phallusy.
A Welsh guy was telling me about all his old girlfriends the other day. But he fell asleep halfway through.
Why do peppers make bad girlfriends?
Because they are constantly jalapeño business.
Never date a radiologist.
She’ll see right through you.
You can lead a man to Congress,…
…but you cannot make him think.
- Milton Berle
The president was awakened in the middle of the night by a call from the Pentagon.
“Mr. President,” the four-star general began, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” the president asked.
“The country is being taken over by aliens from another planet.”
“My God,” the president said. “What’s the good news?”
“The good news is", said the general, “they pee oil and they’ve eaten Mitch McConnell."
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”
His roommate replies, “Canadian.”
Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”
The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”
Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”
His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
What’s the biggest difference between Disney movies and porn movies?
Disney movies teach you to hate your stepmother.
OK, I laughed at this one.
I’m probably a sicko, but I don’t care.
Ew, sicko. Get away.
My real concern with @GovTimWalz is that he seems like the kinda guy…
… if you leave your car unlocked in the summer, he’s going to leave you 6 zucchinis on your front seat.
Tim Walz points the stud finder at himself and says…
“Well, looks like it’s working” before putting up a shelf.
Tim Walz is the sort of guy…
that stops by your table at Culver’s asking if you’d like a free frozen custard because he accidentally ordered two.
What is Kamala Harris’ favorite kind of charcuterie?
Proseciutto.
Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds.
Only two, but still more than anyone expected.
The other trees are singing Happy Birthday to the oak and it sounds terrible.
They look at the pine and say, “A little pitchy there, dude.”
Why doesn’t the fortune teller have any children?
Her husband has crystal balls.
At my funeral…
I want someone to walk in dressed in the clothes I died in, pull out a sonic screwdriver and say: “Now, gang, this is where it gets complicated…”
The countryside is great…
Unless you want to buy anything, go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.
My college roommate had this weird ability of speaking in different languages when he got high.
He used to get Rosetta stoned.
An improvement??
My college girlfriend had this weird ability of speaking in different languages when she got high.
We used to get Rosetta stoned.
The Emir’s peace envoy to the Caliph:
“Umayyad, bro?”