nm
…
Hey, I know plenty of folks who sneered at the idea that it was a sport you could objectively judge — but, thanks to her, they’ve all now come to see the error of their ways.
You guys are going to make me tell a really, really bad joke if you keep this up.
So tell me…
What makes a natural-born citizen a better president than one born by C-section?
If A Democrat Wins, I’m Leaving,
If a Republican wins, I’m also leaving.
This has nothing to do with politics.
I just really want to travel.
What’s white and grey and spins at 2400 rpm?
An albatross in a 747.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At Sundae school.
A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You’re too drunk, Joe, go home.
Joe says, “Fine, I’ll take my business elsewhere,” and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in and says, “I’ll have a scotch.”
The bartender says, “Joe, I told you. You’re too drunk. Go home.”
Joe says, “Fine, I’ll take my business elsewhere,” and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in and says, “I’ll have a scotch.”
The bartender says, “Joe, for the last time. You’re too drunk. Go home.”
Joe says, “Fine, I’ll take my business elsewhere,” and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in, stops at the door, stares at the bartender and says, “Damn it! How many bars do you work at?”
Calm down. Head over to the mortuary for a cool one. (Or a stiff one.)
Two guys were working in the mortuary, embalming a deceased woman.
One turns to the other and says, “This woman has a clit just like a pickle.”
His coworker responds, “You mean long and green?”
The other replies, “No, sour!”
A newly married woman asked her rabbi, “Is it permitted to make love on Shabos?"
The Rabbi thought long and hard before telling her it was okay, “so long as they didn’t enjoy it.”
A Husband and Wife were Christmas shopping…
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said ‘Where are you, you know we have lots to do.’
The husband said, ‘You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?’
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. ‘Yes, I do remember that shop!’ she replied.
‘Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that.’
Did you hear about the prison that’s so comfortable,
… it’s known as the Walled-off Astoria?
If nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen,
…you have a pretty good PR man.
A salesman came to my door last night. He was so good…
…he could’ve sold bagels to Hamas.
Rock’n’roll is not dead!
It always smelled like that.
My secretary claims I’m one of the most important men she knows.
Unfortunately, she keeps leaving out the r.
The best one-liners from this year’s Edinburgh fringe:
Olaf Falafel: My desire to spontaneously sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away.
Jack Skipper: I failed RE. Couldn’t believe it when I found out. I was like: “Oh Jason Christ!”
Zoë Coombs Marr: My girlfriend told me she’s never seen the film Gaslight. I told her: “Yeah you have … we watched it together.”
Eleanor Morton: How do you know that Edinburgh is the most haunted city in the UK? You measure it with a spirit level.
Amy Mason: I recently read 10% of sheep are gay – turns out there’s nowt so queer as flock.
Raul Kohli: My aunty is Indian, German and a terrible human being. She’s the curry wurst.
Louise Atkinson: I call myself the Yorkshire Shakira; her hips don’t lie, and mine don’t faff about.
Abby Wambaugh: Cabinets: what are they hiding? Tables: are they really furniture – or just more floor on stilts?
Demi Adejuyigbe: I don’t like when a casino says: “House rules.” It got a little boring for me in the last season.
Chris Turner: The Romans invented Vaseline. Or was it Ancient Grease?
Good Lord. I’ve been using this joke for years.
I survived a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol.
My friend, who I shot in the knee, was not so lucky.
I was thrown out of a karaoke bar last night for trying to sing “Danger Zone” five times in a row.
The owner said I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
There are only two types of Straight Dopers:
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets
I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.
I should probably get that checked out.
What is the most popular dish of Japanese swordsmen?
Samurice.
I’m sure it’s in this thread somewhere…
There’s only 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
I hope it’s OK to post political jokes in the Jokes thread. I thought about putting them into the JD Vance thread in P&E, but that didn’t seem appropriate; and I didn’t see a ‘good fit’ in The BBQ Pit. Anyway, I came across these (and added #20, which I think I read on SDMB). If this is the wrong place, please accept my apologies.
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who will mow your lawn when you break your leg. J.D. Vance is the guy who reports your overgrown lawn to the HOA.”
-
“Tim Walz is the neighbor who helps your little sister study for her geography test. J.D. Vance is the neighbor who says your little sister will be hot in a few years.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who puts menstrual products in school restrooms. J.D. Vance is the guy who points and laughs at girls with stains.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy that brings donuts to work. J.D. Vance is the guy that eats the last one and leaves the empty box on the counter.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy that pulls over on the highway and changes your flat tire. J.D. Vance is the guy that drives into the rain puddle, splashing you while you’re changing your tire on the side of the road.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who tells a funny joke at a party. J.D. Vance is the guy who opens your medicine cabinet.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who leaves a good tip and says thanks. J.D. Vance is the guy who screams at the waitress.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who thinks 10-year-olds should get school lunches. J.D. Vance is the guy who thinks 10-year-olds have to carry a baby to term.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who buys the office lunch on Friday. J.D. Vance is the guy who microwaves fish in the break room.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who smiles to himself when he hears the neighborhood children laughing and playing outside on a summer day. J.D. Vance is the guy who calls the police about a loud noise complaint.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who will play Pokémon games with his kid. J.D. Vance will yell at his kid to shut up about Pokémon games.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who brings over some tools to help you fix a problem. J.D. Vance is the neighbor who borrows your tools and never returns them.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy that helps you fix your car. J.D. Vance is the guy who tells you that you can’t park there when it breaks down.”
-
“Tim Walz is the type of guy you would ask to walk you home after a late class. J.D. Vance is the reason you need to ask Tim Walz to walk you home after a late class.”
-
“Tim Walz is a dad. J.D. Vance is a father.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who will lend you $20 and never think about it again. J.D. Vance is the guy that will lend you $20 and then charge hourly interest compounded, increased for inflation, and then sue you for $1,000 in small claims court.”
-
“Tim Walz is the guy who will make sure everyone has a voice at the town meeting. J.D. Vance is the guy who will call others stupid for asking questions.”
-
“Tim Walz moves over so you can merge safely. J.D. Vance matches your speed, forcing you to stop on the on-ramp.”
-
Tim Walz is the guy who’ll help you carry your furniture when you’re moving houses. J.D. Vance is the guy who’ll put the furniture down and get freaky with it."
-
Tim Walz is everyone’s favourite uncle. JD Vance is the uncle you never leave alone with your kid.
It’s the right thread, Johnny!
lol, i know this one but it had a Jewish motif … A rabbi was telling me jokes on a plane so he wouldn’t be nervous … some of them … well yeah lol
Yeah, my wife will occasionally say ‘Buy a ticket, Oiving!’
There are only 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, those who don’t, and those who didn’t see a trinary joke coming.
Man, we’re a bunch of geeks here!
I like the cut of this one’s jib – reminds me of Mitch Hedberg’s style.