“Man, I wish I was cool.”
None. That’s a hardware problem.
One molar solution.
He was two squared.
The space bar.
I posted this one way upthread somewhere. Along with its collerary:
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We’ll fix it in software.
Comedians are getting more and more competition from Politicians.
As testing went on, the doctor said “I’m not quite certain what’s wrong with you yet, but I think it may be the result of heavy drinking.”
So the patient said “That’s all right, Doc - I’ll just come back when you’re sober!”
Look out world, there’s a new serif in town.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn’t give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather’s hen tie collection.
…It makes you limp.
Somehow, they still got in.
In other news, I lost my lifeguard job.
They’re full of tiny little anty-bodies.
One… or two? One… or two?
But Jake came fifth and received a toaster.
My ex got hit by a bus near my house, and I thought to myself, ‘That could have been me!’
Then I remembered: I don’t know how to drive a bus.
Loved these.
In a haunted house, I saw a beautiful naked ghost.
I was scared stiff!
Some more from the Edinburgh Fringe this year:
I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship, but I bottled it.
(This was voted funniest in the festival by a public vote)
I was fired from my job marking exams. I can’t understand it, I always gave 110%.
I love the Olympics; my friend and I came up with a new type of relay baton. Well, he came up with the idea, I just ran with it.
I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
Etiquette is so confusing; why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow to get mine out in the supermarket?
How many I.T. guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmm, the light bulbs are working in all the other offices. You must be doing something wrong.
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
He’s working for the C. I. AAAAAY!
Actually, the words she chose were “a fucking tool”, but that’s the same thing, right?
No. 2 will really surprise you.
I don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
…occupied country invades you!
Excellent!
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets.
And those who believe that a list must contain at least 3 items…
I probably did this before, but
How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
So, how do they get into the light bulb?
How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts only change dark bulbs.
3 if they’re kinky!
It’s elementary.
The difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky’s when you use a feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
That reminds me of this old B. Kliban cartoon.
