I so love Kliban!
His lordship woke up one morning with a fine erection.
“Should I inform her ladyship,” his valet enquires.
“Not this time,” his lordship replies after a moment’s thought. “Fetch my baggy trousers, I’m inclined to take this one into town.”
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar:
It’s at this point I realize that there is something wrong with my pint.
Chuck Norris was shot today:
The bullet is in critical condition.
French omelets are really small; for them, one egg is un oeuf.
(Yes, I checked - French eggs are apparently Masculine … !)
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.
On the night Jesus was born, Joseph was in a really bad mood:
Mary had been riding his ass all day.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted.
Reasons I am selling my Elvis records:
- For the money
Where do dendrochronologists go for fun?
The tree ring circus.
Did you hear about the French chef who killed himself? He’d had un oeuf and lost the huile d’olive.
Why did Isaac Newton marry an obese woman?
Because the greater the mass the greater the attraction.
Well, Frank, how’s the new chicken farm coming?
Oh, bad, Stan, bad. They’re all dead.
Dead? Oh my goodness! What happened?
I dunno. I think maybe I planted them too close together.
“That wife of mine is a liar,”
said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
“How do you know?” the friend asked.
“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”
“So?”
“So she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley.”
A giraffe walks into a bar
The bartender kicked him out for bringing in his own longneck.
To spice up our love live my wife and I decided to go on a date night.
It was going brilliantly until she said she doesn’t sleep with guys on the first date.
I was expecting a highball joke there.
Farmer Giles’s chickens had stopped laying so he went to market to buy a new rooster and found a really good-looking and energetic bird. “He’ll liven up those chickens,” he thought as he released him into the yard.
As the new cock stood looking around at the sexy chicks, the old cock sidled up to him. “I bet you think I’m past it and can’t keep up with a young un like you,” he said.
The young cock looked at him. “You got no chance. You’re for the pot,” he sneered.
“Tell you what. How about I race you for them? I’ll even give you a head start,” The old cock says.
The young cock can’t resist the opportunity to show off and so they set off on a race around the yard. Halfway around there is a bang and the farmer has shot the new cock with his 12 bore. “Bloody gay cockerels,” he says as he goes over to pick up the lifeless body.
Aggghhh… they race around until the young cock is about to overtake (“lap”) the old cock, then the farmer comes out and shoots the young cock.
Um, that’s the version I heard.
“The highballs are on me.”
Yuck, that’s just gross. Quit walking under the Elephant.
Chuck Norris jokes:
- Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
- When God said, “Let there be light,” Chuck Norris replied, “Say please.”
- Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass—at night.
- If at first you don’t succeed, then obviously you aren’t Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris drinks he never throws up, he only throws down.
- Chuck Norris can do a handstand with both hands tied behind his back.
- Chuck Norris can squeeze apple juice out of a banana.
- Chuck Norris was invited to play a game of capture the flag. He conquered Europe.
Early Halloween Joke:
If you carve a pumpkin in September it’s called a premature ejackolantern.
I built this house with my own two hands.
I should’ve used wood.
I started salsa lessons last week but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
It’s like one step forward, two steps back.
The kids decided they didn’t want leftover tacos for supper so we threw them out.
Now we have to figure out what to do with the tacos.
How many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna go for a bike ride?
I saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on. This can only mean one thing.
Today is laundry day.
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible -
I guess that makes me an eighth-theist.
Hey girl, are you the Bible?
'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.
I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of…cross referencing.
Why doesn’t the Bible have an “about the author”?
It was written by a holy-ghostwriter.
The Bible tells us to love each other.
The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.
Back when I was younger, I looked up the Kama Sutra. It’s a lot more boring than people think. A lot of it was just obvious inanities like “When people do it like dogs, that’s called doggy-style. When people do it like horses, that’s called horse-style”. Without even describing how horse copulatory habits differ from dogs.
I suspect that, as with Playboy magazine, most people who perused the Kama Sutra were looking at the pictures, not reading the articles, despite what they might claim 
George: Y’know, that horse knows as much as I do.
Gracie: Well, don’t tell anybody. You might want to sell him someday.
There was a timid knock at the door.
“Yes?”
“If you please, ma’am,” said the beggar, “I’ve lost my right leg…”
“Well, it’s not here,” retorted the woman, and shut the door.
Gracie: When we are married I’ll share all of your sorrows and woes.
George: But I don’t have any sorrows or woes.
Gracie: I said “when we are married”.
George: Just think, Gracie, Mrs. Johnson learned to play the banjo in only two lessons!
Gracie: It’s not that strange, George. She’s been picking on her husband for years.
Mrs. Davenport: My husband is a cheapskate.
Gracie: I know what you mean. George is the same way. He bought an old, used car when for the same money he could have paid an installment on a brand new one.
War breaks out between the two forests and the time comes to select an army…
so they invite the Fox. The Fox did not want to go to war, so she cut off
her tail. They said to her:
- Fox, you cannot go into a war, you do not have a tail. Please go
home.
Bunny did not want to go to war also, so he cut off his ears. They said to
him: - Bunny, you cannot go into a war, you do not have ears. Please go
home.
Bear saw that Fox and Bunny did, and having no choice, and not wanting
to go to war, he took a knife and cut off his penis.
He stands in front of the War Commission and they tell him: - Bear, you cannot go to the war. You have flat feet!
Two ants returning from hunting elephants and one ask the other:
- Did you catch anything?
- I didn’t!
- You are a liar! What is that between your teeth?!
On my wedding day, I will hire that band named “YouTube”.
They know every song!
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk and told him that he wrote the same essay as his brother last year, about their cat.
- Of course, it is the same essay, Johnny answers, -it’s the same cat.
Teacher says to Little Johnny’s dad:
- Your son copied all work from the best student in class!
- How can you be so sure? Dad asked
- Because she didn’t know the answer to the first question and she
wrote: “I don’t know”, and your son wrote: “Me neither!”.