One’s a Rubix Cube the other’s a cubic rube.
It was a guerrilla gorilla Barilla griller thriller.
Now Jesus is trying to find a better place to hide.
Al Jazz-era.
He conditioned it.
His early attempt to make a film of Forrest Gump was known in the industry as Kubrick’s Rube.
My father worked twelve hours a day to put food on the table.
He was a very slow cook.
One night past one a.m., a couple was awakened by a knock on the door.
“Go see who it is” said the wife.
“Screw it, they’ll go away”
“No go, it might be important.” Grumbling, the husband puts some clothes on and staggers downstairs half asleep. He opens the door to find a twenty-something on his porch. “What do you want?”
“Please help me, I need a push”
“It’s one in the fucking morning. Go away.” he slammed the door, marched upstairs, takes off his clothes and climbs into bed and relates the story to his wife. She isn’t having it.
“What’s wrong with you? Go help that poor man! He could be miles from home!”
Grumbling, he gets out of bed puts his clothes back on and goes downstairs. He opens the door but the man his nowhere to be seen. Figuring he can’t be that far away, he shouts out to him.
“HEY! DO YOU STILL NEED A PUSH?”
“Yes! Come quickly”
“WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?”
“On the swing!”
Good one. Bravo. Into my saved file.
One boy answered, “I guess they were poor, because the Bible says they slept with their fathers. If they’d been rich they would all have beds of their own.”
“Very well, thank you; he can already cure very small children.”
“Faith, ma’am, and it’s more than I can do. Sure, there’s nothin’ like education after all!”
“Sorry, Reverend, but I had no choice. All my friends are away.”
Tired Guide: “The glaciers brought them down.”
“But where are the glaciers?’
“They’ve gone back after more rocks.”
The man who invented the umbrella was originally going to call it brella, but he was a bit hesitant.
So they gave me a cushion to sit on.
The clerk says they are sold out, to which Vader responds, “I find your lack of Faith disturbing.”
It’s about humping.
Mine keeps saying O.B.C.D. but won’t tell me what it stands for.
Leonardo Di Caprio: Guess I’ll use Bing from now on…
A new mother tried to give me her baby to hold.
I told her, ‘No, thank you. I’m a vegetarian.’
But when it happens no one is shocked.
It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.
A more-soupial.
"Donald Trump was fired by 81 million people and clearly he’s having a tough time processing that.”
I said “If it needed me.”
Cigarettes are like squirrels: they’re perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Love it!
Half the students saw them.
It’s …something to fall back on.
So I had to take away her baseball bat.
But now I’m having regrets and I’m beating myself up about it.
Little Johnny of course didn’t have his.
“Where is your homework, Johnny?”, asked the teacher.
Little Johnny replied, “An immigrant ate my dog that ate my homework.”
The drone.
Before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.
My doctor told me that I may be going deaf.
That was hard to hear.
Surely, the gyrfalcon? That’s the origin of the tryzub emblem that you see everywhere.
Have you ever seen two dozen crows drinking in the same location? It’s just murder.
Sigh… Chronos, this is the joke thread, not the nitpick the facts thread.
If they’re vel-crows, they really stick together.
Nice!