It brings bad luck.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
He was a first aid kit.
That joke had a nice hook! Really threw me for a loop.
The inventor of autocorrect died. The funnel will be held tomato.
A dog that can lick you from the other side of the pond.
A couple of weeks later his friend notices the flower beds are doing great and asks how he managed to keep the birds away.
“It wasn’t all that hard,” says his friend. “One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me pick them up. I wasn’t bothered after that.”
He turns to his caddie and says, “I’ve never played that badly before.”
“Really, sir,” replies the caddie. “So you’ve played before?
When she gets home her husband asks, “So how did the appointment go?”
She replies, “He said, I have the body of a 20-year-old.”
Her husband says, “Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your 40-year-old ass?”
The woman replies, “Your name didn’t come up.”
Now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.”
Bus driver to passenger: “Are you going to Fish Hook?”
Passenger: “Fish Hook - where’s that?”
Bus driver: “It’s at the end of the line.”
Tourist in Chicago: Does this bus go to The Loop?
Bus driver: No, it goes Ah-ooooga!
After receiving a clean bill of health be asks the Doc If he’s going to live to be 100.
Doc asks “Do you smoke cigars?” “Nope,” replies the man.
Doc then asks " Do you drink?" “Nope,” replies the man a second time.
Doc then asks " Do you drive fast cars and chase loose women? " No and no" says the man.
Doc replies, " Then why on earth do you want to live to be 100?"
Because the penis mightier than the sword.
A burglar commits burglaries
God is an iron. He commits ironies.
Things went South real fast.
Her: Is it to scale?
Me: No…it’s to look at.
Weren’t the Cat in the Hat’s friends invited?
The opposite of a croissant…
… is a cheerful uncle.
That’s how you motivate them.
We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.
is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Beauty is the the eye of the beholder …
…get it out with Visine.
A student from the back shot back - “He had Aristotle as a teacher, we only have you.”
Unfortunately I can’t please anyone.
“Thank you for your cervix.”
M:A:R:S
Depth perception.
Why is there no such thing as fire breathing dragons?
There’s not enough fire, so they all suffocated.
Why was the vampire lord surprised when he was killed by a woman from a religious order?
He’d asked a seer if anyone could defeat him, and was told that there are nun who can.
Why did the Special Forces team keep losing their underwear?
The were debriefed whenever they returned to base.
Two centaurs watched a human walk past them. One turned to the other and said: “OK, the top half is obvious. But what the hell is the lower half from?”
Surely they already go commando?
So you’ve got to please yourself?
I could say something very naughty about ‘pleasing yourself’.
Shows how dirty your mind was, I was going off the Ricky Nelson song, Garden Party
Well it’s all right now
I learned my lesson well
You know you can’t please everyone so you’ve
Got to please yourselfe.
I have no idea what you’re thinking! 
I know, but I couldn’t resist.
In any case, it sounds like things are well in-hand.
Those jokes just go onan-on.
I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas.
Womb temperature.
“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
Do Ethiopian kids even exist?
Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.
Did you hear about the Scouse Godfather?
He made people offers they couldn’t understand.