Why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes?
'Cause Bruce Lee is no joke.
I went to the liquor store and the clerk asked me, “Do you need help?”
“Certainly,” I replied, “but I’ll take a bottle of whiskey instead.”
Why did the block letter town have so much crime?
It was sans sheriff.
Did you hear Tupperware declared bankruptcy?
The story broke before they could put a lid on it.
When John Lennon was a boy his best friend was a chubby lad named Winston
but because of Winston’s penchant for stuffing his face with Stilton, Red Leicester, Cheddar or Brie he was nicknamed “Cheese.”
One hot summer day, a gang of friends decided to head off to the local quarry to cool off in the water. The boys stripped down to their shorts and had a grand time splashing around & dunking each other. As dinnertime approached, the lads climbed out and began to dress themselves.
John noticed Cheese was looking around as if searching for something.
“What’s up, mate?” John asked. Cheese replied he couldn’t find his trousers.
Both boys looked high and low without luck and then John saw several of the other boys were chuckling and pointing at Winston.
Both boys looked high and low without luck and then John saw several of the other boys were chuckling and pointing at Winston.
“C’mon,lads. We’ve gotta get home for dins. Where are Cheese’s trousers?” demanded John.
The boys poked each other and shrugged innocently but no one came forward.
Winston was almost in tears and John was losing his patience.
Finally, he shouted out, “All we are saying is give Cheese his pants!”
Husband: Darling, I’ve come to realize you only married me for the insurance money.
Wife: Well, yes, but do remember that I have let you die a natural death.
Mr. Wilkins: They say Hurdrupp’s store burned down. They say you could see it from far away.
Mr. Ambrose [Mr. Hurdrupp’s banker]: Yes, indeed, I saw it six months ago.
Tulley: Would you rather be in an explosion or a collision?
Sulley: Oh, an explosion. If you’re in a collision, well, then, there you are, but in an explosion, where are you?
Johnny, ten years old, applied for a job as grocer’s boy for the summer.
The grocer wanted a serious-minded youth, so he put Johnny to a little test.
“Well, my boy, what would you do with a million dollars ?” he asked.
“Oh, gee, I don’t know—I wasn’t expecting so much at the start.”
A pastor came upon members of his flock engaged in a spirited game of craps.
“Don’t you know it’s wrong to gamble?” he thundered.
“Yes, pastor,” said one, “and I surely am paying for my sins today.”
Petrucchio: My dear, there’s a question I’ve been aching to ask you for weeks.
Sybil: Well, hurry up and ask it. I’ve had my answer ready for months.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator.
I bought an umbrella with brand name Napoleon.
On a strong windy day it was blown apart.
I was doing tourist stuff in New Orleans one summer and had gone down to the waterfront. I was sitting on a bench looking out at the water when a guy came up to me and offered me a bet. He said, “I bet you $5 I can tell you where you got your shoes.”
I was from several states away so I figured there was no way this guy could guess which shoe store at the local mall I had purchased my sneakers at. So I agreed to the bet.
The guy put out his hand for us to shake on it and assured me he would pay if he was wrong and asked me to do the same. I did.
He grinned and said,“Now I’m gonna tell you where you got your shoes. You got your shoes on your feet!.”
When I was visiting New Orleans lo these many decades past, there were signs warning tourists against accepting sucker bets, and that was the specific example the signs used.
I had a ‘sucker bet’ offer like that when I was on a business trip in Chicago. I was walking around the downtown area at night when a guy came up and asked if I wanted a shoe shine for $3. I said “no thanks” but he said “give you a free sample” and before I could protest further he got down and buffed up the top of my left shoe with a rag and some mink oil.
I look down and I have one shiny, brand-new looking shoe and one dull, scruffy-looking shoe. So I say “fine, finish the job”. He says “for double or nothing, I bet I can guess how many kids your dad had”. I said no thanks, just the shine.
When he was done and I paid him the $3, I asked “so, what would your guess have been?”
“Your dad didn’t have any kids, your mom had them all”.
That reminds me of a time when I was in a bar wearing boots and a guy I (vaguely) knew said he’d bet that he could empty his glass of beer into my boot without my feet getting wet. I said OK.
When he poured his beer into my left boot, I was thinking: ah I think I know what’s going on so I poured my glass of beer into my right boot, so both my feet were wet. The guy was not a good sport and did not held his part of the bet however.
I think the catch was that he could get my foot soaking wet and then say: no, I said your feet will not get wet, and now you only have one wet foot. Therefore I do not have to pay out. Oh, well.
So, in the end, you got no money from him, your beer is in your boot, his beer is in your other boot, both of your feet are soaked in beer, and there’s a good chance your boots have suffered lasting damage.
In Spanish, water (agua) is feminine but you say “el agua” (masculine) instead of “la agua” (feminine)…
It is gender fluid.
Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Napoleon Bonaparte are watching armies training in the afterlife.
They walk around the soldiers and Napoleon is reading the Russian newspaper “Pravda (the Truth)”
Alexander the great turns to Caesar and Napoleon and says: “With an army like this I could’ve also conquered the entirity of Europe.”
Napoleon scoffs and Caesar nods. Caesar points to the Artillery and tanks and says: “With weapons like this I could’ve conquered the known world.”
Alexander the great nods and Napoleon scoffs even louder.
Alexander the Great asks Napoleon “Well tell us, what is your issue?”
Napoleon looks up from the newspaper, turns it around and shows it to the two. “If this newspaper had existed when I was going around, nobody would know I lost in Waterloo.”
I brought buckets of caviar and asked all the greediest people I know. They sat in a holy circle and never spoke to me once, except to say, in loud asides, that the others were making pigs of themselves.
Nancy Mitford, on returning from a trip to Russia
“An excellent plumber is infinitely more admirable than an incompetent philosopher.
The society that scorns excellence in plumbing just because plumbing is a humble activity, and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity, will have neither
good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its philosophy will hold water.”
John William Gardner
“When I was young, I thought money was the most important thing in life.
