A mole family wakes up one morning. Dad pokes his head out of the mole hole and says “beautiful morning, smells like spring!” Mom pokes her head out and says “smells like fresh grass!” Baby mole can’t get his head out and says “all I smell is molasses”.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says “Damn its getting hot in here”.
The other muffin exclaims “Holy shit a talking muffin”.
A man dies and goes to Hell, he is given a tour by a demon who shows him the golf course, the swimming pool, and a nice private beach. He suspects Hell isn’t that bad after all and wonders when he’ll learn the catch. Then they pass a giant flaming pit vomiting screaming naked souls in perpetual agony.
“Oh, I see,” the man says.
The demon responds: “Yeah we built that for the Catholics. They insisted.”
My wife told me not to bother reading the section about the colon— she’s not into asterisks.
My friend found out his mom wrote a scholarly paper as a college postgrad about her experiences with the book. He was emotionally scarred after seeing the parenthesis.
The book does have some very good advice for couples. The section on foreplay for example- it says light kissing on ellipses always a good place to start.
What do you get when David Lynch directs a remake of The Godfather?
Someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand.
Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.
They start by picking a color.
Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”
Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.
Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”
Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
Ryan Reynolds: “Deadpool’s red, and so am I.”
Chris Evans: “Of course you had to pick the second American flag color. Screw it, White!”
Birdy: “Yellow because I can pick anything, I don’t care much.”
Randall Park: “Dang it Yellow’s taken! Ok, Lime.”
Margot Robbie: “Pink! Definitely!”
Arnold: “You may hate me for saying this, but… I’ll be Black.”
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.
The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.
They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy says, ” I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands."
