Just like Darwin. They were both born Feb. 14, 1809.
What do you call introverted Hobbits?
Shyer folk.
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
Who was the drunkest knight at the Round Table?
Sir Rhosis.
Donald Trump has a great inauguration speech
It sounds like he Putin a lot of practice.
We haven’t found a solution for climate change yet, but…
…we’re definitely getting warmer.
Stealing.
What do you call a sick social media streamer?
An influenza.
Oil prices are so high because…
…the oil is in Texas and the dipsticks are in Washington.
What’s the first sign of aging in computers?
Loss of memory.
My eyes aren’t what the used to be.
You could say they’re sub-opthalmal.
Here’s your daily mental health hotline:
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6
If you are paranoid, stay on the line, we know who you are
If you are delusional, press 7 to reach the mothership
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, a voice will guide you
If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter what you press, no one will answer
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969
If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the dash key until we answer
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your info
If you have PTSD, carefully press 0000
If you have bipolar disorder, leave a message before or after the beep
If you have low self esteem, hang up, we’re too busy to talk to you
If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
And the hard drive is not always as reliable as it used to be (so I’ve heard, anyway).
And no one wants to try and get by with a floppy, nowadays.
The box of animal crackers said “Do not eat if the seal is broken.”
I opened it up, and sure enough . . .
Three guys laugh at how silly their wives are:
Man number 1 says, “My wife is so silly she bought a kitchen for £12,000 and she can’t even cook.”
Man number two says, “You think that’s bad? My Wife paid £40,000 for a car and she can’t even drive.”
And the last man says:
“Ha. beat this, My wife brought 100 condoms for her business trip across the country and she doesn’t even have a penis.”
I went to a restaurant recently. The menu had badger soup as the starter…
This was followed by a main of roast badger and for dessert was badger ice cream.
I said to the waiter, “Excuse me. Do you have anything else other than badger?”
“I’m afraid not sir”, replied the waiter, “It’s a sett menu.”
(A sett is a badger’s den.)
What do you call a nonsensical felon?
A silicon.
Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous walk into a bar.
“OH SNaP!” says the bartender.
Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance looks to be 1/40th of what it was in 2009…
They don’t understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.
An old woman was asked if she’d ever been bedridden.
‘Oh, yes,’ she said. ‘Many times. And once in a sleigh, too!’
Related:
If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, Do not play dead.
I started a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my day job, I do it to make hens meet.
The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for several days.
“We’re Sorry”, said no cats ever.
I told my cat, “you’re not the boss of me.”
He disagreed.
When bees move into a new hive, do they have a house swarming party?
The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
deleted no image
Or hated someone who did.
One of the many legends that have grown up around the Crucifixion involves the two Roman centurions who guarded the Cross.
One of them, worried and ill at ease, turned to the other and said, “Marcus, I cannot help but feel that this day we have witnessed an atrocious deed.”
“How so, Caius?” asked the other.
“This man on the cross should not have been executed in this fashion. I believe he was a great, great teacher.”
“Oh come on, Caius,” said Marcus, shrugging, “after all — how much has he published?”
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or pleasure. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays”.
The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex”? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply: “Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath”!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, “My son, sex is definitely pleasure”.
The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work”?
The Rabbi softly speaks, “My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it”.
Angry Wife: I should have married the devil. He would have made a better husband than you.
Hubby: You would’ve been arrested; incest is illegal.
Why did Mufasa die in the stampede?
He needed to Mufasa.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a blonde?
With a TikTok account and some decent photo editing software, only about four.
Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr. and John F. Kennedy walk into a bar.
They get a few shots.
In American Martin Luther King, Jr. gets one day.
Sharks get a whole week.
Donald Trump showed up in Washington D.C. to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!
Actually, he just heard the words “Washington D.C.” and “King” and got excited.
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?
Because it told him to keep his whites and colors separate.
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody.
No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
I cannot accurately express the terror of having to take a massive dump but also needing to slowly & carefully walk downhill on an icy sidewalk to get to your home.
Too slow, shit your pants.
Too fast, slip and fall and shit your pants.
Get to the door, can’t find your keys, shit your pants.
Mark Zuckerberg, recipient of the World’s First Rat Penis Transplant, announces Meta will stop fact checking.
Do you think Chewbacca has a human like penis or is it one of those red rocket things that dogs get?
George Lucas won’t answer my emails.
My wife has kindly asked me to stop referring to the neutered male pets in our house as “my council of eunuchs”.
People who say, “No pun intended” are cowards. Intend your puns, weaklings!
When I’m in that situation, I go with “Pun retroactively intended”.
How do you make a U-turn?
First, you put her hind legs in a boot…
Farmer on his driving test is asked, “Can you make a U-turn?”. “No,” he replies, “but I can make her f***ing eyes water!”.
I don’t get the outrage over Elon Musk’s salute.
America couldn’t get to the Moon without a few Nazis, why expect Mars to be different?
The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven
says a lot about the expected traffic.
I found a book on erotic punctuation!
It’s called the comma sutra.
There’s a big surprise at the finale: wait tilde end!
Why do morticians tie a corpse’s shoelaces together?
So that the zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I knew it was going to be cold in Washington DC for the inauguration
But I didn’t know it would be heiling.
Why shouldn’t you bother someone who collects bitcoins?
Because they’re mining their own business.
What do you call a peacock in a hot country?
A self-powered fan.
I partied with lithium. tantalum and fluoride.
it was LiTaF.
The new dishwasher I bought was made with water-soluble parts.
That’s the last time I buy something from a store called “Appliance Solutions”.
I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, but I didn’t finish it.
I got up to ‘P’.