What’s the difference between Greenland and Donald Trump?
Greenland is not for sale.
“So, you managed to sell that ugly suit. I’m very impressed!”
“yeah, but that guy’s seeing-eye dog was pissed!”
Mike looks out the window across the shared driveway with the townhouse next door. Two hot young gals are moving in it appears. He introduces himself and soon a parade of pickups and a small van bring the gal’s possessions. Things are going great; he fires up his grill for brats and burgers. Salads and drinks show up. Great! except the gals are a couple. Mike hurts for a bit but the girls are into fantasy football, hold’em poker, shooting, working out, etc… They fix him up with some other single friends, nothing serious yet but Mike’s social life is looking up. Something is always going on. Christmas rolls around; Mike gets the gals a family membership to the gym and to the target range. Time for his gift from them. They bring out a small box, elegantly wrapped. Inside is a smaller box with a Seiko, top of the line. Mike thanks them profusely but inside he’s torn up. How could they have gotten the message so wrong? He replayed it in his head. “What would you like for Christmas?” they said. Mike still remembers his words that evening.
“I wanna watch.”
My version:
When I was ten, my dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, ‘I want a watch!’ So he let me.
I was so bored I memorized seven pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
mmm
A wife was dying with her husband by her side.
She said in a tired voice, ‘There’s something I need to confess.’ He said "Shhh… There’s nothing to confess. It’s all right., She said "No, I must die in peace… So I have to tell you: I had sex with your brother, your best friend and your father.’ He said ‘I know. That’s why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes, Honey.’
If a psychiatrist puts you in a straight jacket. You’ve been shrink wrapped.
“I fired the janitor for smoking pot.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because I can’t stand high maintenance people.”
My wife makes us put $5 in the “find jar” every time we make her find something we can’t locate in the house.
After 13 months of ‘saving’, today we’re buying a Ford Explorer.
“I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language.”
“That’s interesting.”
“And I guarantee no one has ever heard them.”
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake.
Most people think T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead.
Not sure where to put this - Australian travel thread? But here goes.
ANY sequel to Nosferatu HAS to be named Nosferathree…
Who will stand with me on principle…?
Did you hear there’s going to be a sequel to Akira Kurosawa’s Ran?
It’s called Also Ran.
I enjoyed the prequel, Run.
mmm
While I was deployed my girlfriend left me for a tractor salesman.
She sent me a John Deere letter.
Why did Barty Crouch, Jr. stop drinking?
It was making him Moody.
If a university opened a Department of Penis Studies . . .
. . . would it have a endowed chair?
Do you know Colonel Mustard’s first name?
Turns out it’s Dijonathan.
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
Hey Prof.P, all the best to Mrs.P! Apologies for the belated well wishes, but I was away on vacation last week.
As part of my continuing New Year’s Resolutions, I’m limiting my drinking to days that start with a ‘T’-- Tuesday, Thursday…
…today, tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday…
Totally missed it while I was on vacation myself. Best wishes to the P family!