Best wishes to Mrs. P, glad you’re back to posting jokes. My daughter thinks I’m funny thanks to you.
I told my boss 3 companies are after me, so I needed a raise.
…I didn’t mention that those 3 companies are gas, electric and cable.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I have like 50 wooden balls already.
Just got a couple test results back from the doctor. I got a 75 on my Covid test. What does that even mean?
On the upside, I scored positive on my IQ test, so I guess that’s good news.
Madame Pepperwinkle has moved today to Rehab. Once she can walk again she’ll be coming home.
Thanks for all your kind words, gracious wishes and funny jokes!
Why do people say “break a leg” before an audition?
It’s so that they’ll end up in a cast.
Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,
The vacuum works just fine now.
There are four stages of old age:
You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down.
I say, I say, what’s the difference between a rhinoceros and a mattababy?
What’s a mattababy?
Nothin’, what’s a matta with you?
Do you know how many wrinkles are on a pigs ass?
Smile and I’ll count them.
Stolen from The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled about 2 million baked goods sold nationwide, including some doughnuts and coffee rolls purchased at Dunkin’, due to concerns the products might be contaminated with listeria.
“Doesn’t matter, they’re for my coworkers.”
“I prefer to get my listeria from local bakeries.”
“How do I tell if I’m listeria sick or just normal Dunkin’ sick?”
Why do golfers love doughnuts?
Always a hole in one.
Why is the Pink Panther the busiest of cats?
He always has something to do,
to do, to do do do dodo dodoooh.
What does a mathematical mermaid wear when she can’t find her seashells?
An algebra.
Not to brag, but I do have a date for Valentines Day.
It’s February 14th.
I received a bunch of flowers for Valentines Day with all their heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked.
Yeah, stepping on ants.
Dead ant…dead ant…
dead ant, dead ant, dead ant…
What size bra does Ariel take?
A C-shell.
Yay!!
Well, I guess if it dries her out, that’s a good thing. Plus, she’ll be kicking you a lot less. 
What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love?
“I found the perfect match!”
How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
He gave her a ring.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?
February 14.
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
Because it’s all heart.
What’s a ram’s favorite song?
I Only Have Eyes For Ewe.
I installed a high-voltage fence around my property without permission or proper permits, and now I’m having issues.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My wife didn’t like my abbreviated Valentine’s message on her card:
“Happy VD.”
Here’s one I made up at 3am when I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep right away:
Agricultural scientists have successfully cross-bred a potent strain of marijuana with the common tuber. These new “pot-taters” can be baked, fried, made into hash browns or smashed potatoes.
Caution: excessive dosage may turn one into a couch potato. Habitual usage may lead to becoming a potato head. Keep away from tots.
When I was 12, my parents found the S&M porn mag I’d hidden under my bed.
They never spanked me again.
We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced, so stupid people won’t be offended.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, two things I’m sure of; it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Amber, "I track my daily steps, water intake, and gratitude.
Tiffany, “I’m an ethical vegan and do intermittent fasting.”
Susan, "I track how many times a day I want to slap both of you. "
My whole life, I’ve never read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent or put glue in my hair. Somehow, I just knew.
People who take naps are the real heros, it takes courage to wake up twice in the same day.
The longer I live, the more convinced I am that this planet is used as a lunatic asylum by other planets.
“I heard the government is putting chips in people.”
“I hope I get Doritos.”
“They’re stealing our jobs!”
“Yes Kyle, with your high school diploma, Muhammad the neurologist is stealing your job.”
Dear universe, when I asked if this day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
One day you’re young and carefree, and the next, you have a favorite pharmacy.
Welcome to adulthood where you’ll be constantly tired, except when it’s time to go to sleep.
Some folks believe a secret group of wealthy people control the world.
But it’s a fact that a well known group of wealthy people are controlling the world.
A flat earther dies and goes to heaven. Shows up before God and asks:
“So, Lord, the earth is flat, right?”
“IT IS ROUND, MY CHILD.”
“…Man, this conspiracy goes deeper than we thought…”