Valentine’s Day is so commercial, let’s not lose track of the real meaning of this special day.
The day native Hawaiians stabbed British Captain James Cook right in f#&%%g colonizing neck on February 14, 1779.
Twice? Twice? Try six times. Whoops, make it seven.
My neighbor can’t afford his water bill."
“Send him a, Get Well Soon card.”
You ever think about how Obama is the only president the US has ever had who was born after 1946?
I don’t think about it much because I just found out about it.
“People who sell meat are gross.”
I think people who sell fruit & vegetables are grocer.
Today I learned that poetry doesn’t always have to rhyme.
I’m a poet and didn’t realize it.
Sundays are like muffins.
Enjoy them before the weekdays consume them.
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician.
High Quality Poem
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Your Haiku could not be found
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What did they call George Washington’s false teeth?
Presidentures.
What does the Stature of Liberty stand for?
It can’t sit down.
"People say I’m indecisive,…
…but I don’t know about that."
- George H.W. Bush
"Blessed are the Young,…
for they shall inherit the National Debt."
- Herbert Hoover
"Did you ever think that making a speech on economics…
is a lot like pissing down your leg?”
- Lyndon B. Johnson
What comes before a seagull?
A beagle.
What’s ET short for?
Because he has tiny legs
This feels like it’s missing the punchline… Something like “It makes you feel all warm inside, but everyone else thinks you stink”.
The actual end of the quote is: “….it seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.”
(which is inferior to @Chronos’ version)
mmm
Doing a good job at this place is like wetting yourself in dark pants.
You get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Jesus: “Love everyone no matter what.”
Conservative Christian: “What if they have different skin color?”
Jesus: “Yes, even if they ask stupid questions.”
“How much does your wife usually spend on a bottle of wine?”
“About 20 minutes.”
I love how being an adult is repeatedly saying, “But after this week, things should slow down a bit.” …until you die.
“0 catches, 0 yards, and 2 drops in the first half doesn’t put fuel in the jet, TRAVIS.”
A couple woke up to discover two dozen eggs missing from their refrigerator and a pot of warm water left on the stove. Police suspect poachers.
Sounds like some hardboiled criminals to me.
Hey, if some hardboiled criminals broke into my house, held me up at gunpoint, and demanded to cook my eggs, omelette them help themselves.
I just got my penis caught in my zipper.
God, it hurts.
No more zip-up boots for me!
Capitalists: “There’s a worker shortage.”
Workers: “Scarcity increases value.”
Capitalists: “Wait, wait, what?”
Defibrillators rarely fail.
But when they do.
No one is shocked.
Find the bottom right corner of an Excel spreadsheet. Depending on version, it might be XFD1048576.
Pro tip: Change the font to white and put a zero there.
Someone tries to print the document and it will eat a ream of paper.
You guys need the More Yolks thread.