Teacher: “Sometimes the letter ‘g’ is silent, like in ‘sign’, ‘gnaw’, and ‘gnat’”
It was on this day that Angus got a new nickname.
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
Hearing impaired folks tend do do well on trigonometry tests.
They’re often adept at sine language.
What do you call a minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
My girlfriend’s obsessed with Scooby Doo.
She keeps saying we should split up and see other people.
Those who do not learn from history…
…are doomed to repeat it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it …
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What’s a frog’s favorite drink?
Croak-a-Cola.
I say, I say, why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well.
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college!
I can never repay you.
At the University I was going for a doctorate in Communism but I had to drop out…
…lousy Marx.
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, …
… I’d be happy to do it for you."
- Groucho Marx
Why can’t you circumcise Donald Trump?
Because there’s no end to that prick.
When Chuck Norris was born…
…he drove his mother home from the hospital.
A mother was discussing her child’s diet with the pediatrician.
“My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?” she asks.
“A cat”, replies the pediatrician. “Cats love fish.”
Elon Musk wants to send people to Mars
I think we can all agree that he is the most creative serial killer of all time.
Why was the parent function upset with its child?
It was stretched to its limit.
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice.
Then he made school boards."
- Mark Twain
This week I recall a very old joke, that I’ll only outline since it’s a performance joke more than a read joke:
The pope needs a heart transplant or he’ll die
A crowd gathers jammed shoulder to shoulder in Vatican Square, chanting in stereotypical Italian accent “Take-my heart, pope! Take-a my heart, pope!”
The pope’s secretary comes out onto the balcony and sees a white dove flying above the crowd. A feather falls from it, and the cardinal calls out that whoever is lands on may donate their heart
“Take-my heart, pfffope! Take-a my heart, pffope!”
I had been dating a wonderful woman for awhile, and things were going really well.
We had a lot of similar interests, and were extremely attracted to each other. One night we decided that it was going to be ‘the night’. But I only got as far as taking my socks off. As soon as she saw that I was missing a toe, she was horrified, and broke up with me on the spot.
Turns out she’s lactose intolerant.
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.
So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”.
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes…’”
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Why don’t you ever see black people on a cruise?
They’re not falling for that one again.
Why aren’t jokes in base 8 funny?
Because 7, 10, 11!
How did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was shot.
How did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was hit by the first koala.
How did the third koala fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
How did Bill fall off his bike?
He was hit by falling koalas.
edit, never mind.
You pffigured it out, didn’t you. 
I haven’t.
If you’re talking about the Base 8, joke, the numbers 10 and 11 in Base 8 translate to 8 and 9 in Base 10 (the one we usually use) making it the old joke about why numbers were scared of 7. Because 7 8 9.
Nope. I’m talking about the one with “pfffope” in it.
ETA: which is why I was answering the post with “pffigured” in it.
They’re trying to not get hit with the feather.
Ah. Thanks. I thought it had something to do with the dialect. (as it is, the joke works fine without being in dialect.)
Google pizza
- Hello! Gordon’s pizza?
- No sir it’s Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon’s
- Okay. Then can I order please…
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, and thick crust
- OK! Yes, that’s it…
- May I suggest you add ricotta, arugula and sun-dry tomato?
- No, I don’t want vegetables
- But your cholesterol is very high
- How do you know that?
- Through your opt-in to our daily specials email. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want extras on my pizza, I am medicated for the condition
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Meds4U dot com
- I bought more from another supplier
- It’s not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per your 2017 Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I’m going to an Island without internet or phone and no one to spy on me - I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago…
What’s the mathematical name for https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEDmL7Y_SVg ?