“9-1-1, what’s the emergency?”
“There’s a dead body on my front lawn. What should I do?”
“Give me your address, sir, and we’ll send officers.”
“2334 Duquesne Street.”
“Can you spell that for me?”
“D-o-o, no that’s not it, D-u-k, no that’s wrong, too. Listen, let me call you back in ten minutes. I’m gonna drag him over to Jones Road, I can spell that one.”
What happens when you mess up at ninja church?
The nun chucks you out.
You’re being chased by a Lion, you’re on a Horse, to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn; what do you do?
You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.
I love pie.
I could eat it 22/7.
f(x) walks into a bar.
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions”.
Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood?
In the Ark Hives.
Wrong day for this. But I love it
Who wants to wait until the 7th of Icosember?
“My skin is poisonous. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
That picture ends up stretched (only on the X axis) on my browser and I must say it makes that jet look really cool and racy!
Bard: “Hey, Gelatinous Cube, you’re so thick that you can’t even fit in a 5’ wide corridor!”
Viscous Mockery.
That happens every time I share a picture on imgur here. I don’t know why. Must be a Discourse thing.
It’s an Imgur thing. It’s because you’re linking to an album, not to an individual picture. Here’s just the pic:
Yeah but that jet isn’t as sporty. I’d gladly donate another tax dollar for the sleek, sporty USCG A-10-X. (Now with more horsepower and a 3 month subscription to Sirius XM.)
Elon Musk new plan for Mars colonization will include only registered Republicans.
He is going to make it the true red planet.
To think, Louis and Marie-Antoinette almost won the French Revolution.
They were neck and neck, but completely lost their heads.
I shot the tariff.
But I did not shoot the subsidy.
One day, Peter the Pig found a piece of bacon on the ground and decided to try it. He was shocked at how delicious it was and he began to actively seek out and eat bacon every chance he could.
Naturally, many of the other pigs found this deeply disturbing and they went to see Farmer Brown to talk about Peter’s strange behavior. He told them, “Bring Peter to me and I’ll give him some intense counseling sessions.”
So Peter went off with Farmer Brown.
A week later the pigs went up to the farmhouse to ask how Peter’s counseling was going. Farmer Brown opened the door and, munching on a piece of bacon, told them
“Don’t worry about Peter. I’ve cured him.”
My 401k has been converted to a 404k -
Retirement not found.
Trump’s high ranking delegates for Iran talks revealed as his “hair dresser” Rusty, Loomer’s chihuahua and Captain Crunch…
I let my blind friend borrow money the other day. He told me he was going to pay me back the next time he saw me…
What? Wait a minute…
A stationary store was broken into over the weekend. Box files, wall calendars, and appointment diaries were stolen. Police suspect a well organized criminal.
If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
Live so that if your life was a book; Florida would ban it.
“What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?”
“I don’t know”
“Attire.”
“Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Bob had discovered a problem with working for himself.
When he called in sick, he knew he was lying.
Bubba the builder:
A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some two-by-fours.
The clerks asks, “How long do you need them?”
Bubba, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Me: ‘Can you grow, please?’
Bank account: ‘No’
Lawn: ‘No’
Hair: ‘No’
Muscles: ‘No’
Stomach: ‘I got you’
Police suspect Organized Crime.
Business opportunity.
“A Chinese court will auction off 100 tonnes of live crocodiles for four million yuan (US$550,000) in a sale that requires buyers to pick the reptiles up in person.”
I read this headline as “…live crocodiles for US, $550,000, no delivery fee”, as if they are doing a GoFundMe to send thousands of crocodiles to the US, e.g., as payback for tariffs. Free shipping!
Roses are red.
April is gray.
The next time you leave your house
It’s gonna be May.
A treehouse is cruel…
It’s like killing someone and then making their friends hold the dead body.
Rain doesn’t fall…
Raindrops!
Two psychics meet in the street.
One says to the other, “You’re great, how am I?”
What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?
Nuke, I am your father.
ISWYDT. Discourse wants to know if that is a sentence. It is.