I have a joke about who’s going to profit from all this economic chaos.
But 99% of you won’t get it.
For years I thought an oncologist was just a doctor they kept on call all the time.
Thirty days sober folks.
Not consecutively of course, here and there over the years.
I’m estimating.
Walmart is going to open up a dental office in a select few of their stores.
There will be an express service available - 12 teeth or less.
Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at his watch. “Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?”
She eagerly replies, “Oh! Yes, let’s! But we should change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!”
Reese Witherspoon’s sister has a daughter in college. She wrote a paper about how poop can be used as a fuel source.
It was Reese’s niece’s thesis on feces.
Prosecutors are debating what penalty to seek for Luigi Mangione.
They have narrowed it down to death, life imprisonment, or mandatory use of United Health insurance plans.
My co-workers always say I seem so mysterious when they see me quietly holding a book…
but the truth is I just can’t concentrate because I’m wildly aroused by the content.
Either way, I’m too hard to read.
Mountains are funny things.
Because they’re hill areas.
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating, so I broke up with her.
She was starting to sound just like my wife.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
What do drums and people have in common?
They both make a noise if you hit them with a stick.
Most departments had a door that required a PIN to enter.
The Department of Redundancy Department, on the other hand, requires a PIN number.
A nearby manicurist has a special offer for Good Friday.
The first three nails are free.
(ok, a joke that works better live than written)
Why was Jesus crucified on a cross rather than stoned to death?
Because it’s a lot easier to do this (sign of the cross) than it is to do this (start hitting random parts of the torso).
You are a bad person and I am stealing that joke.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally superglued his thumb to his index finger? He’ll be OK for a while.
Reminded me of another crucifixion joke that the lead singer of a punk band I saw in a dive bar around this time of year 40 years ago told, that really only works performed live:
“Here’s a cheerleader Easter chant:”
“Gimme an E!” (holds one arm straight out as if holding a pompom)
“Gimme an A!” (holds other arm straight out)
(Suddenly lolls head to side and closes eyes as if dead)
Or as Leon Russell says in the Mad Dogs and Englishmen soundtrack:
Don’t get hung up about Easter …
Jesus walks into a motel, and slams three nails down on the counter. “Can you put me up for the night?”
Jesus drove a Honda, but he didn’t brag about it:
John 12:49: “For I did not speak of my own Accord.”
Whereas his father burned up the desert in his Triumph.
An old inverted picture joke I hadn’t seen in awhile.
Tomorrow is Palm Sunday!
As far as Easter foreshadowing goes, I think they nailed it.
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Annie stayed home from church with her mother.
When the rest of the family returned home, they were carrying palm leaves. Annie asked them what they were for.
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he rode by on a colt,” her father explained.
“Wouldn’t you know it,” Annie fussed, “the one Sunday I’m sick and Jesus shows up and offers pony rides!
I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, “to conquer my greatest fear.”
“The fear of flying?”, I asked.
“No,” said dad. “The fear of dying alone.”
Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?
Hit and run is a felony.
People with insomnia are pretty cool -
They’re up for anything.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.
Why doesn’t Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax?
Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.
What tax filing service does a pirate use?
H & ARGH Block.
Spring is here…
I’m so excited, I soiled my plants.
What does the writer suffer from each spring?
A case of allegories.
