For dog lovers, even the dofus dogs.
Son: “Mom and Dad…I’m gay.”
Mom (glaring at Dad): “Don’t you dare!”
Dad: “Hi Gay, I’m Dad!”
Wife: “You got thrown out of Hobby Lobby for dipping your testicles in the glitter?”
Me: “Pretty nuts, huh!”
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 53 minutes performed by the kid sitting behind me in seat C22 on Delta flight 965 from LA to Tokyo.
Why would I take the high road when I could take the psychopath?
Cop: “The coffee at this place is garbage.”
Me: “You ever had lukewarm International roast out of the same cup you just shaved with?”
If anyone tells you it’s healthier to eat less cheese, it’s 100% that they are trying to get your cheese.
True story, it took me way too long as a kid to notice that at Thanksgiving, all of my aunts who told me “Pecan pie is yucky”, all did so while holding a slice of pecan pie.
There’s a new stamp commemorating the history of prostitution. It costs 75 cents…
But it’s a dollar if you want to lick it.
Where’s the worst place to eat waffles on the beach?
San Diego.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
One from his mama.
Every year on April 15th…
…the I.R.S. pays its taxes to Chuck Norris.
My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain…
…he received a precipitation trophy.
My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes.
I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.
Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.
Me: That’s good, no side effects?
Gpa: There is one troubling side effect.
Me: What? Is she okay?
Gpa: Yah, she’s fine, but she can actually see me now.
Does butter sink or float?
Neither. Butterflies.
What’s another term for mattress?
A loaf of bed.
Why didn’t Oedipus use foul language?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
On their wedding night, Cinderella asked Prince Charming,
“Want to see if it fits?”
I made up that pun when I was a kid in San Diego. 
What do wizards eat at the beach?
Sandwiches.
Why will you never go hungry at the beach?
Because of all the sand which is there.
My spouse and I have invented a new method of silent wireless communication. With just a glance across a crowded cocktail party, she can send messages like “Stop talking to that bimbo”, “You’re embarrassing yourself”, and “Just wait until we get home”.
It’s called “Wife-Eye”.
Alan Zweibel, is that you?
Could someone explain this to me?
Sandy Eggo. Eggo is brand of waffle, which I only know because I’ve seen Stranger Things
Thank you. I figured it had something to do with a way of saying “San Diego”, but I didn’t parse it into “Sandy Eggo”.
Clearly a case of undeveloped punny bone.
Yesterday my wife left a message on the refrigerator door saying “This is not working. Goodbye”.
Whenever she gets home from wherever she went, I have some good news for her: the fridge seems to be working just fine now.
You know that when you boil a funny bone, you get a laughingstock.
…but only after simpering for hours.
Where is the funny bone, anyway?
Said the straight man.
What is Bill Clinton’s favorite curling shot?
The inturn hit.
Before anyone asks for an explanation, a curling shot can be an inturn (turning clockwise, if thrown by a right hander) or an outturn and can either be a hit or a draw.
That’s kind of a sweeping generalization.