Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“Eggs are so expensive.”
“Wait until you fertilize one. Then you’ll see expensive.”
I’ve opened a can of worms ..
Never been so disappointed, they’re just laying there, not the utter chaos I was promised.
Was it for your Diet?
Woman, somewhat put out: “Don’t men still open car doors?”
Man, quizzically: “How do you think we get inside?”
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What’s it called when a crab is walking to it’s part time job?
A side hustle.
I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..
But the thyme is cumin.
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places.
Did you hear about the cow that cried wolf?
Fake Moos!
Try leaving it on the seat of your boat for awhile with the top off when you’re distracted by fishing.
“Hey guys, I see light. I…think there’s a way out of here. Follow me-- we’re free! We’re free!”
Nice.
(I would change it to her thyme is cumin.)
mmm
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym for…
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
Time zones are very confusing.
For instance. it’s May 2 in Australia, May 1 in Europe,
and 1954 in America.
Your browser history may be spotless,
But your predictive text will betray you.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
I’ll be here all week folks; try the veal.
Jesus may have walked on water
But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
More like 1854.
Sorry, carry on…
Okay:
I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.
What does a sprinter eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!
Dad, can you put the cat out?
I didn’t know it was on fire!
You may have heard that a $60 million fighter jet was lost after it rolled off the USS Truman aircraft carrier into the Red Sea. That now replaces Aaron Rogers as the biggest waste of money spent on a Jet.
The second line should read:
Still not as bad as the $75 million paid to Aaron Rogers as the biggest waste of money spent on a Jet.
‘In America, it’s 1930s Germany.’
I think this is more accurate, and it’s the punchline I read the first time I saw the meme.
Did you know that Texans prefer to listen to their books?
They especially like the crackling sound.
My friend was waiting for a bus when he saw a policeman drop a box of donuts, then split his pants while bending over to pick it up.
This was so hilarious that he just couldn’t help himself and he started hooting and chuckling uncontrollably. The officer was not pleased and arrested him on the spot.
The charge: Involuntary man’s laughter.
I say, I say, why did the turtle cross the road?
Just for the shell of it.
I love how a fly
will get into your house through a 2mm crack in a bathroom window, but can’t find its way out even if you have the side of your house taken off.
What do the Kentucky Derby and a wedding have in common?
They both have months of build up for 2 minutes of action.
When the horse comes back into town without the rider, you know something bad happened.
But no one ever suspects the horse.
How do you get an obese person to do what you want?
It’s a piece of cake.
In a reversal of usual form, this is less funny because it’s true.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the the guy’s truck leaves him.
FYI, your phone won’t auto correct when using caps lock because it assumes you’re angry and doesn’t want to get involved.
Two of my friends had never met each other. I told each of thom separately that the other was hard of hearing before I introduced them. They spent the next few minutes yelling at each before realizing that I’m a complete asshole.