One says, ‘Is this whisky?’
‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky as wobbing a bank’
It’s a complex complex complex.
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s today.
His mother was really pissed off.
My wife is quite the woman. Great tits, loves a good shag, swallows…
but this bird collection is getting too large.
Viruses mutate over time. Like Covid-19.
Started out as a pandemic, now it’s an IQ test.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you eat with that thing?
Are hillbilly jokes still ok?
Let’s just say there are two very good, honorable men who grew up in an unspecified rural area without much formal education, who decide to treat themselves to a nice meal in a decent restaurant in the nearest town many miles away.
While they are looking at the menu, a woman at the table next to them starts choking. One of the men rushes over to her, lifts up her dress, pulls down her panties, and gives her rear end a big, slurpy lick. She’s so surprised she gasps strongly and ejects the food that was stuck in her throat.
When the man sits back down, his companion says, "nice work Jeb, but how’d you think to try that?
“Ain’t you never heard of the Hind-Lick Maneuver?”
Seeing that its almost the 20th anniversary of 9/11…
The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them
What’s Al Queda’s favorite football team?
New York Jets
you can ruin someone from scratch. - Jon Stewart
divorce for money." - Wendy Liebman
“Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” - Rita Rudner
Disclaimer: Please swallow any beverages you have before reading this one. I will not be held responsible for any ruined keyboards.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
Judge: “I am sorry, Mr. Mouse, but I cannot grant your divorce just because you believe that Mrs. Mouse is mentally unstable.”
“I didn’t say that Minnie was unstable, Your Honor. I said she was fuckin’ Goofy.”
Hard to believe Robin Williams has been gone seven years. A few quotes:
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’
Carpe per diem - seize the check.
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
PS He would have approved:
None. You don’t need light bulbs in a coffin.
An LGBBQ
Lenin says: “Joseph… I’m not sure you’re the right man to lead the country after me. I don’t know if the people will follow you.”
Stalin responds: “Don’t worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you.”
-Write a couple if phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ‘‘How much does lemonade cost?’’, ‘‘Where is the pharmacy?’’
One of the tourists asks: -How do I say ‘‘Please, provide me a political asylum’’?
-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.
-Never mind, just wanted to know who is senior from KGB in our group.
A man who hails from a religion that has faced centuries of persecution but nevertheless has a thriving community and many rich cultural traditions walks into a bar and orders an OJ.
The bartender says “we don’t serve juice here”.
Q. What did one casket say to the other casket?
A. “Is that you, coffin?”
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
Big hands.
A shepherd!
A skeleton once, in Khartoum
Invited a ghost up into his room
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
Over who should be frightened of whom
Two guys walk into a bar and see a scantily-clad woman at the far end. The first guy says, ‘Hey, isn’t that Hortense?’ The other replied, ‘I don’t know. She looks pretty relaxed to me!’
A: Meeeeee
They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.
Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.
A: Knock knock
B: Who’s there?
A: Interrupting cow.
B: Inter—
A: MOOOOOOO!
Some how I fell asleep in my fireplace last night. It was ok though: I slept like a log!
That was the first joke my daughter brought home from kindergarten.
Very conceptual…
(second was “What’s a foot long and slippery? … A slipper!”)
It’s a classic.
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
I gotta tell you, about 35 years ago, I found this joke hilarious. (Who’s keeping track of all the forgotten jokes there are?)
So a man dies. And he goes to hell.
The Devil tells him he has his pick of three rooms, that he will end up enjoying all of eternity thru.
The Devil shows him the first room. Everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The guy says, no, let’s see the next room.
The next room everyone is standing on their heads on a brick floor. That’s even worse than the first one. Let’s see the last room, the man says.
In the last room, everyone is standing knee-deep in cow manure, sipping coffee. Well, considering what I just saw, that doesn’t really sound all that bad, the man says. I’ll take the third room.
Enjoy eternity, jerk, the Devil says, as he slams the door shut. Just then, the head devil in the room begins to speak. Okay, he says, coffee break is over. Go back to standing on your head!
As I said, who is keeping track of these old jokes?
I can walk from my house to the pub in six minutes.
But walking back takes 56 minutes.
The difference is staggering!