That joke is so well-known in our office that when we’re socializing at the coffee pot or whatever, someone will say, “Well, I’m going to go back to standing on my head”, and the meaning is understood by all.
Friends are like underwear.
Some are always up your butt. Some snap under pressure. A few don’t have the strength to hold you up. One might get twisted. You have favorites. Some are cheap. But some actually do cover your ass.
Therapists only want one thing,
and, frankly, it’s discussing.
Don’t sing in the shower!
Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked in the shower. So, don’t sing in the shower! - Ruth Buzzi
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Ah, that’s nice. My husband likes lawyer jokes, I’ll be sure to tell him that one.
I have the unicorn of lawyer jokes: one where the lawyer goes to heaven:
An attorney finds himself in heaven and an angel is showing him around, explaining how things work, etc. The lawyer says, “I just have one question. I can`t remember what happened… How did I die?”
The angel checks his clipboard, then tells him he died of old age.
“Old age?! I’m 36!” he exclaims.
The angel checks his clipboard again, then says, “That can’t be right. According to your billing hours, you have to be at least 92.”
My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex
They are watch dogs.
I’m using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information
It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.
I told my best friend I was dying.
Him: “Oh my God! What have all the doctors said?”
Me: “Goodbye, mostly.”
The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is…
If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?
They get confused and incorrectly assume it’s a date.
So a skeleton walks into a bar. And he tells the bartender, I’ll have a bottle of beer and a mop.
Now that one I at least heard somewhat more recently. As I said, where and when did some of these jokes originate? 
Well, the skeleton originally ordered a flagon of Etruscan mead…
Well, the oldest known joke is a Sumerian fart joke from 1900 BC.
It’s almost here again…Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19.
Q: How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?
A: A buck-an-ear.Q: How do you make a pirate really mad?
A: Take away the ‘p’.Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite movie?
A: Booty and the Beast.Q: Why couldn’t the 10 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: Because it was rated arrrrrrr.Q: What was the pirate’s name that had no legs or arms and fell overboard?
A: Bob.
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
R.
No, it would be the C.
Pullest thou mine finger.
As illustrated by Michelangelo.
When the moon hits your knees
And you mispronounce trees
Sycamore
How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?
He force feeds himself.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk…
…but I never had the chants.
I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night.
At first I was afraid. I was petrified.
Oh, c’mon. You gotta do it right. The punchline should be (spoken like a pirate)
You would think it would be “R”, but his true love be the “C”.
A pirate who has a steering wheel sticking out of the open fly of his pants walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, “arrr, I’ll have a grog please.”
Bartender says" sure, but I gotta ask, what’s with the steering wheel?"
“Arrr, ‘tis drivin’ me nuts.”
A guy is on vacation in the Caribbean, and comes across a real pirate, with a peg log, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. He says, “I never met a real pirate before! May I ask how you lost your leg?”
“Arrr, 'twas forced to walk the plank by enemy pirates and a shark bit off me leg while I was swimming to the nearest shore.”
“Wow, how about the hand?”
“Arrr, 'twas was in a sword fight with sailors on a merchant ship we were plundering, and one of them cut off me hand with a sword, so I got the hook.”
“…and the eye patch?”
“Arrr, twas lying on the beach relaxing and a seagull flying past pooped in me eye.”
“Seagull poop took out your eye?”
“Arrr, 'twas the day after I got me hook”
The man who invented Velcro died.
RIP
Alternate punchline: “Do your own research.”
Why are pirates successful in singles bars?
They make aye contact
What does a posh Englishman dentist working on a pirate ship say?
“Ah, matey,”
What do Chinese pirates say?
The same as other pirates, but it’s spelled “L”