A truckload of Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Police anticipate no congestion for at least the next eight hours.
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.
Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.
The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.
The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.
He responded: “If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me”.
The crew had a newfound admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.
About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said: “Boys, bring me my brown trousers!”
A pirate with a paper towel under his hat runs into a bar, looking around, terrified.
“What’s the matter?” the barkeep asks.
There’s a bounty on me head!
What’s the pirate’s favorite pickup line?
Prepare to be boarded!
“Without a P he’s irate hahahahaha!” Blah blah blah. Nope.
Give up?
A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.
Heard in 1980-1988, but updatable per your politics
A doctor from France, a doctor from Germany, and a doctor from USA are talking shop. The doctor from France says, “In Paris, we can take the kidney from one man, put it in another man, and have that man looking for work in four weeks.” The doctor from Germany says, “In Berlin, we can take the lung from one man, put it in another man, and have that man looking for work in two weeks.” The doctor from USA says, “In the United States, we can take an asshole from Hollywood, put him in Washington, and have half the country looking for work the next day.”
Same era:
Why is Nancy always on top?
Ronnie can only fuck UP.
Guy walks into a bar, orders a shot of whiskey, downs it, leaves.
Same guy walks into same bar, orders two shots of whisky, downs them, leaves.
Same guy walks into same bar, orders four shots of whisky, downs them, leaves.
Next night: 8 shots.
He walks in next night, bartender says "16?’ Yep.
The next night the bartener asks “32?” He says, “No, just a beer. Last night I went home and blew chunks.”
Bartender says, “Don’t feel too bad, 16 is a lot.”
Guy says, “You don’t understand—‘Chunks’ is the name of my dog.”
Different guy/bartender:
Man, I got so drunk last night I thought I took home Shania Twain. In the morning, it turned out to be Mark Twain!
This reminds me of an old Dukakis joke, which can also be easily updated with your choice of politician.
Q. Why does Kitty Dukakis have sex really slowly?
A. Because she has a governor on her.
And another bar joke.
A big scary Hells Angels type of guy walks into a bar. He parks himself on a stool in the middle of the bar, slams his fist down and demands a shot. The bartender pours him a shot, he tosses it back, then he looks down the bar to his left and says “Everybody at this end of the bar is a cocksucker! And if anyone has anything to say about it, you come and talk to me!” Everyone on the left side of the bar cowers in silence, nobody moves a muscle.
A minute or two later he slams his fist down on the bar and demands another shot, tosses it back, looks down the bar to his right and says “Everybody at this end of the bar is a motherfucker! And if anyone has anything to say about it, you come talk to me!”
At the far end of the bar, a guy gets up and starts walking towards the biker. The biker draws himself up and says “Yeah? You got something to say to me?”
The guy says “No sir! I’m just at the wrong end of the bar.”
A vicar went into a pet shop looking for a nice pet
that would keep him company while he wrote his sermons.
“I’ve got just what you need,” said the pet shop owner. “Take a look at this parrot. Not only does he talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he’ll sing ‘Rock of Ages’ and if you pull the string on his right leg, he’ll recite the Lord’s Prayer.”
“That is truly remarkable!” exclaimed the vicar. “But what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?”
“I fall off my bloody perch, you wanker!” screeched the parrot.
The vicar is preparing for the morning service
when he spots a woman, in a very short skirt, sitting in the front pew. He beckons to his deacon and asks, “Isn’t that Fanny Blue?”
“Oh, no, I don’t think so,” replies the deacon. “It’s just the way the light is reflected through the stained glass window.”
A vain middle-aged woman went to confession.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I spent an hour this morning in front of the mirror admiring my beautiful body. Will I have to do a penance?”
“No, no,” said the priest. “You only do a penance when you have done something wrong. Not for a mistake.”
