FTR: I like my coffee strong, black, and bitter.
Look out.
Almost from Airplane!..
Early exit polls suggest the new pope did particularly well with male voters aged 45-79.
[I was in the YouTube comments section on one of those joke channels, when the subject of “jokes that don’t work when translated” came up. I couldn’t make heads nor tails out of the video in question, and someone said it was because it was a poor English translation from another language. I gave this as a counter-example – either made up on the spot or more likely pulled from somewhere in my subconscious.]
Little Timmy saved his allowance for weeks. Finally, he had enough money to visit the toy store and buy what he had been yearning for: a cute plush Teddy Bear. After he paid and went home, he went into the kitchen and got the biggest bread knife he could find.
As he was busily sawing his way through the poor toy, his mother walked in, horrified. “What on earth are you doing?!?” she screamed. Timmy calmly replied, “This is 'Murrica! I have the right to bear arms!”
I don’t like to do plan too much in advance.
Because then the word ‘premeditated’ gets thrown about in the courtroon.
He also gets tan.
Pope (George) Hamilton IV
Vatican avoids tariffs with Made in USA Pope.
“In these trying times, I’m comforted that the new, American Pope will be an expert at consoling the grief stricken after a career tending to Chicago Bears fans.”
He may get some secs too.
Being a parent is to being a morning person,
…is as being chased by a bear and being a runner.
Teacher to Student: “Make a sentence using the word “I”
Student: “I is..”
Teacher: “No that is not correct, you should say I am”
Student: “Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet”!
A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?
Let’s just let bigons be bigons.
A historian, a journalist, and a political scientist walk into a bar on January 23, 1993…
[Citation Needed]
Who ate all the noodles in ancient Egypt?
King Tootin’ramen.
I tried calling the Tinnitus Hotline last night…
It just kept ringing and ringing and ringing.
Why are there no more woolly mammoths in America?
They were all detained by ice.
We all call my Irish friend “Frankenstein”…
It’s not that he looks like a monster; it’s that we always get his name wrong.
I went to a convention for con artists.
I got a complementary grift bag.
A guy calls his mother in Florida.
“Hi, Mom. How have you been?”
“Not so good. I’ve been feeling weak.”
“Weak? Why are you feeling weak?”
“I haven’t eaten for 28 days!”
“Twenty-eight days?! Why? What’s wrong?”
“I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food in case you should call.”
When a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up; that’s a squat, right?
I take people seriously. When they say, 'Make yourself at home", I rearrange the furniture and yell at their kids.
“Forget everything you learned in college, you won’t be using any of that here.”
“But I didn’t go to college.”
“Well, then you’re unqualified for this job.”
PBS didn’t become ‘Woke’.
You grew up to become a bad person.
If people don’t like you, that’s okay.
If dogs don’t like you, it’s time for some self-reflection.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Wow, that one is deep.
Stolen from the Game Room.
MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred ruled today that “permanent ineligibility” from baseball ends upon the person’s death. The list of now eligible players include 8 members of the Chicago White Sox dating to 1919.
Pope Leo is suspected of intervening.
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands -
For instance if they’re placed around your throat she’s probably upset.
- Richard Pryor
I asked my wife, “What’s your superpower?"
She said, “I can find things you misplaced instantly.”
I said, “Prove it.”
She pointed to my glasses on her head.
- Henny Youngman
I will never forget it you know. It was on the occasion of my eightieth birthday.
My boyfriend Ernie bought for me a tombstone, and on that tombstone he inscribed: HERE LIES SOPH. COLD AS USUAL.
Not being one to take that kind of thing lying down, I went out and bought Ernie a tombstone, and on that tombstone I had inscribed: HERE LIES ERNIE–STIFF AT LAST!
- Sophie Tucker, as related through Bette Midler
“I never know what to get my father for his birthday.
I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”
- Rita Rudner
All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
- Steve Martin
I asked my sister, “What’s a Hindu?”
She answered, “It lays eggs.”
What do you call a vampire that won’t mind it’s own business?
Noseyferatu.
“Act like you’ve been there before” is a great rule of thumb to handle success.
And my grandfather’s dementia.
Someone snuck up beside me and shouted BOO! so loud that I lost all my hearing in my left ear.
He scared me half to deaf.
I’ve always been told to cut those who are holding you back in your life.
I’m now banned from rock climbing.