What’s the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.
A teacher once told me I’d never make it in poetry because of my dyslexia.
Well I’ve made 2 jugs, 5 vases and an ashtray, so who’s laughing now.
The Virgin Karen in Bethlehem: “No room at the inn? I demand to see your manger!”
–
A man walks into a party and goes to get a drink. There’s a long queue for beer and wine but he sees an unattended bowl of fruit drink and scoops himself a cupful.
I don’t get it.
There’s no punch line.
Oh ffs.
And i’ve heard it before.
Look on the bright side!
It could’ve been me that said he didn’t get it.
heh heh heh
But…the very fact that there’s no punch line is the punch line. So which is the truth?!?
It’s like saying “This statement is a lie”.
There’s definitely no punch line, which is what I said. Whether there’s a punchline is a bit murkier.
You already know the punchline.
What’s the worst part about time travel jokes?
Where does Satan shop for luxury items?
Demon Marcus.
A man walks into a cosmetic store and asks..
Man: How much for that funny spray that makes people smell better?
Worker: Perfume?
Man: No, per bottle would be nice.
I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife
I thought it was an awesome trade.
I want a gun that shoots wooden benches.
I’d walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew!
Yesterday I ate a Star Wars action figure.
It was a little chewy.
It’s so hot this summer…
The Halloween candy at Walmart is starting to melt.
It’s bad enough I’m bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup…
I discovered I’m also dyslexic!
When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple.
With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alternatively, they could thin the paint they had and take the chance that the rain would wash it off. This was the choice.
The thinned paint was applied quickly, and the painters scrambled down the ladder and climbed into their truck just as the storm broke.
As they sat in the truck, watching the reason wash off the thinned paint, a great, booming voice in the clouds said, “Thinners repaint! Repaint and thin no more!”
When the “Whose Line is It Anyway” star was publicly derided by a phone guest, it was…
A call-in mockery.
What do you call a German taxi driver who thinks Germany is above all?
An Über driver.
An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.
The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED posters and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
Little Johnny asks ‘Those are the MOST WANTED in the USA?’ The officer says, ‘Yes.’ Little Johnny asks, ‘Why didn’t you keep them when you took their pictures?’
How do you know you’re at a bulimic’s bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
Oat milk is made by milking goats and putting it through a fine mesh filter to extract the "G"s.
The Gs are then used in cellular service.
So I’ve heard.
I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights
when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Why was Google Translate banned in North Korea?
The speech option was free.
Why do men name their penises?
They don’t want a stranger making 90% of their decisions.
A politician has a rally in a small town…
He asks “What can the government do for you?”
A man says: “We basically have two problems… The first one is… we have no doctor in town”
The politician immediately pulls out his iphone, dials a number and has a short conversation. He hangs up and says: “Settled, there will be a doctor here from tomorrow on… What’s the second problem?”
“We don’t have a mobile phone signal…”
When life gives you lemons…
Take 'em. Free stuff is cool.
I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden.
Oopsie daisies.
There’s also a law requiring you to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in California.
Maybe that would be easier to check.