Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Joke from the show Cheers
Diane: (to coach) can you name a car that starts with P?
Coach: Uh, Pontiac, Porsche …
Diane: No, Coach, those cars start with gas.
Mr. Peterson walks into Cheers, and gets his usual greeting, which is everyone in the bar loudly shouting his first name.
It was funny the first few times, but after that, it became the norm.
R.I.P. George Wendt.
I’m pretty bad at building fences…
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Why do orthodox rabbis like lemonade so much?
Because, it’s acidic juice.
Any tips / ideas on what to do for Memorial Day?
I forgot what to do.
Then Woody says: “Hey Norm, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?”
Norm replies: “Yeah, now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver”
I found my husband hanging from a rope in our bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, “I can’t stand the critism anymore.”
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and thank God he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, “That’s not how you spell criticism.”
My friend told me his cousin was a Ninja…
I said, “Can he throw one of those stars made of metal?”
He said “Shuriken”.
I say, I say, what do you call a bunny’s territory?
A rabbitat.
During the prehistoric era the River Nile was merely…
..a Juvenile.
I asked my dog what his favorite thing to find covering a tree was and do you know what he said?
Squirrels.
I love Chuck Norris jokes, but they’re a little played out. I think we need to start doing Neil DeGrasse Tyson jokes.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson loves astrophysics the way Jean Claude Van Damme loves to kick stuff.
Why didn’t Neil DeGrasse Tyson like the iPhone 4? Because he’s a Big Picture kind of guy.
Why can’t Batman defeat Neil DeGrasse Tyson at Trivial Pursuit? Nobobdy’s THAT prepared!
Jupiter is so massive, it doesn’t revolve around the Sun. Jupiter and the Sun both revolve around a point between the two: Neil DeGrasse Tyson!
Neil DeGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye the Science Guy made a bet with each other about whether Pluto is an actual planet.The winner gets to wear a “stars and planets” necktie, the loser has to wear a bow tie.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson counted to infinity twice and MEANT it!
Two post-ironic hipsters walk into a bar. Bartender sez “I don’t serve post-ironic hipsters in this bar. Now get your man bun wearing, Mumford and Sons-listening asses out of here NOW!” And one post-ironic hipster smiles, looks at the other, and says “Is this place everything I said, or WHAT!?”
What do you call a rapper that makes superhero movies?
MC U.
Why are racecar drivers the best people to go to for dating advice?
They’re trained to look for red flags.
My Graduation Speech:
“I want to thank Google, Wikipedia and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you.”
I woke up this morning to find that overnight I’d changed into a cat.
Don’t ask meow…
Police arrested two kids yesterday:
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.
They also have experience with checkered pasts…
The US has made a move to “open up” again, and the medical profession has made its comments:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologist thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while
The Ophthalmologists
considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”
While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the
Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and
those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a—holes in Washington.
What did the Egyptian god buy for the school?
A new bus.
What do you call a vampire that works as a fry cook?
Spatula.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who’s swimming laps in the pool?
Clever Dick.
What type of bear stands out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What do you get when you run in front of an Indianapolis 500 car?…
Tired!
What do you get when you run behind an Indianapolis 500 car?…
Exhausted!
The Chiropractors said, “Let’s get crackin’!”
If ‘A’ is for ‘Apple’ and ‘B’ is for ‘Banana’, what is ‘C’ for?
Plastic explosives.
When you reach the end of your rope,…
…tie a knot in it, and hang on.
- Phil Silvers
I think of my body as a temple.
Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
- Emo Phillips
What do men want?
They want a mattress that cooks.
- Judy Tenuta
The best way to get rid of kitchen odors…
Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller
CBS has very successful crime dramas.
For some reason, Americans these days just really want to watch people who have obviously committed crimes go to jail for them.
- Stephen Colbert
The child asked me, “What year were you born?”
Me, “1978.”
“That’s not a real year. Years start with 20.”
Insane fact:
The earth is only 8 CVS receipts from the sun.
That’s less surprising than the five-minute hypothesis:
https://www.jstor.org/stable/187498
Hah, I recognize where that screencap came from. (2:30, worth the watch)
“I have a pen that can write underwater.”
“Wow, really? That’s interesting.”
“It can write other words too.”
Due to current AI systems showing signs of independent intelligent actions; All future systems will be trained on Reddit forums only.
I love the phrase, “Bear with me.”
It could mean, “be patient” or
“the zoo heist was successful”.
Man, after sex, “Was I your first one?”
Gal, “Yes, all the others were a 7 or 8.”