The worst part of kissing a 10 is…
…the cold feeling of a mirror on my lips.
There used to be a joke about Oedipus and Midas, but I can’t remember it.
Which is sad, because it really was motherfucking gold.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An ambulance!
I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand.
Seven times!
“How could you do that? He was your blood, was with you the whole time, died in your hands, and you still killed him?!”
Don’t make such a fuss about killing a mosquito," said my mom.
What’s the difference between a Rock guitarist and a Jazz guitarist?
A Rock guitarist plays three chords in front of 3,000 people. A Jazz guitarist plays 3,000 chords in front of three people.
How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?
Medium rare.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up
__
The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets.
Instead, to deter speeders, they are giving away Cubs tickets.
What’s the difference between a cow and a moose?
One moos, the other moose.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs…
More below.
I am a White Sox fan, but have to reluctantly say that you have the wrong team there. Watching the Sox play is much more painful than watching the Cubs the last coupla years.
Now, this year, you could change that to Denver and the Rockies.
Rickrolled again 
Just came in from a rough day of retiring and the house was a bit chilly. I checked the thermostat and it read ‘menopause’.
I didn’t know that setting existed. I suspect my wife.
Ahmed asked his programmer friend Jose why he always use dark themes.
Jose replied, “Because light attracts bugs”.
I say, I say, a termite walks into a bar…
…and asks, “Where’s the bar tender?”
Never laugh at your partner’s choices in life.
You’re one of them.
An Imperial Stormtrooper has just passed away.
He will be missed by his friends and family.
If you eat a French baguette properly, it should hurt.
In French, bread is pain.
“Is the bar tender here?”
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines…
but catscan.
And his coworkers!
Taxes are essentially just a yearly subscription to the country you live in.
Childhood is the free trial.
I saw a cable repairman on the street today. He asked me what time it was.
I told him sometime between 8am and 1pm.
Her: Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are?
Me: Actually, no.
Her: At least you know you’re surrounded by honest people.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: It’s been 90 days since you bought your new car. Why haven’t you been driving it.
Her: It was part of the finance agreement.
Zero percent interest for the first 3 months.
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back…
But, when you do, there’s the running and screaming.
Or, Replaced and Needs To Be Replaced.
I could be eating caviar with foie gras right now if I had all my ducks in a roe.
What is so rare as a day in June?
A day in April, September, or November. Rarer yet is a day in February.
Reminded me of one…
A man on vacation hiking has a bad fall and breaks his arm. He gets to a country doctor in the nearest town. It’s such a small town that he acts as doctor and the town vet. The hiker says 'hey doc, I don’t have much money, so is this going to cost a lot?" The doctor says “it’ll be $50 for an office visit to set your arm. Hang on while I get the materials for the cast”.
While the hiker is waiting, a cat comes in the room, and walks around him slowly and deliberately, examining and sniffing the patient.
Then a big friendly Labrador retriever comes in, jumps up and licks his face.
Finally the doc comes back and sets his arm. “That’ll be $2050.00”, the doctor says. The hiker is shocked. “I thought you said it was only going to be $50!”.
“$50 for the office visit, $1000 for the cat scan, and $1000 for the lab work”.
:: snerk ::
My Kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.
Hope I can afford it.
Why did the buffalo farmer go to the pride parade?
He had a bison.
My wife loves making pickles.
She has asked me to grow some of the ingredients for her recipe in the garden to save money, but they haven’t been producing very well.
It’s been a real up dill battle.
Why did the geometry teacher stand on the perimeter of the playground?
Because he liked living on the edge.
Patient: “Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.”
Doctor: “Don’t worry. Mine too."
In what climate is it difficult to get dill to produce well? Around here, if you want dill in your garden, all you have to do is not pull all of the 15 plants that come up on their own.