A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
A young boy is failing math in school. The teacher spends extra time with him, no improvement. The parents spend extra time, no improvement. Mom hires a private tutor, no improvement. He is just not interested, makes little effort, seems doomed to failure.
As a last resort he is placed in a Catholic school. On day one, he returns from school and races up to his room to study. He comes down only to gobble down a quick dinner, then returns immediately to his studies. This sequence repeats daily.
Then he receives his first report card from the new school. Math: A+. His parents are astounded. They question him on what finally motivated him.
His response: “They take math seriously in this school! You should see it, in every room there’s this guy nailed to a giant plus sign!”
I’d heard that one with the setup being that it’s a Jewish kid: showcasing how desperate the parents must be, to send him to a Catholic school, to say nothing of the ethnicity of said guy nailed to said plus sign…
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Do not post jokes about sensitive and/or abhorrent topics like pedophilia. No warning issued, but don’t do this again.
Aw, man, I thought the string of [ removed ] WAS the joke!
I called Apple Records in England because I wanted to talk to Ringo.
The recording told me to press the “star key.”
What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?
I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand…
What did the clock say to the metronome after his stand-up routine?
The jokes need some work, but your timing is impeccable.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
What do you call a blimp with lots of light-emitting diodes?
LED Zeppelin
I like that one, and it seems very likely we’ll get a chance to roll it out at some point. 
I was brought up in the wild by a pack of hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce, but we had some great laughs.
What if aliens are responsible for global warming?
And this is just their way of breaking the ice?
I took a picture of a wheat field today…
It came out pretty grainy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wooden shoe.
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know.
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other’s a command.
Why is PMS called that?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken
How does a non-binary person kill someone?
They / them
What do you call it when a boy finally claps back with a really good dad joke to his own dad?
Son burn.
Why did the cannibals’ kid run away from home?
His parents wanted to ground him.
A friar is like a monk, except that he’s not confined to a monastery.
The world is his cloister.
What do you do when you’re attacked by a gang of circus performers?
Go for the juggler.
What do ghosts use to get rid of wrinkles?
Boo-tox.
Moderating:
Hey, we are trying to reduce the amount of misogyny on this board. Please avoid jokes where the punchline is, “women, har har”.
How do you make a Grecian urn?
Get him a job.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Stick your finger in his eye.
How do you make a Maltese cross?
Punch him in the jaw.
What money do they use on Superman’s homeworld?
Kryptocurrency.
The World Health Organization has a new motto:
WHO cares?
I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said “Do you want a bow as well?”..
I said “Don’t bother wrapping it”…
A plane carrying picnic baskets has crashed in the jungle.
Rescue attempts are being hampered.
Adolf Hitler never took a taxi in his whole life.
He was more of an Uber-mensch.
I was trying on a new pair of shoes but I couldn’t get them on.
Salesman: Try pulling on the tongue when you put it on.
Me: It chschtill doszsznch’t fichittt.
