What are you going to do in the weekend?
“I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city
Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.
While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.
After thinking it over, he replies: “Well why the hell not. I haven’t tried much in my life and I’m not getting any younger.”
He digs through his pockets and pulls out a $5 bill.
“This is all I got.” he says and tries to hand it over.
“What the hell do you take me for? $5 won’t get you shit” the prostitute replies and walks off.
After a while, the wife comes back out and the couple continue down the street. As they pass an alley a woman shouts.
“You see. That’s what $5 gets you!”
People asked me if it rains upside down in Australia.
I said: “Yes, but down here, we call it evaporation.”
The owner of the local cinema died today
His funeral is on:
Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00
Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30
Why can’t you trick an unemployed jester?
Because he’s nobody’s fool!
Klingon movie disclaimer:
“Everyone and everything was harmed during the making of this movie.”
How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing?
Start with ten million.
What is Spider-Man’s side job?
Web developer.
If you’re not a Dad, but you tell Dad jokes…
…that makes you a faux pa.
My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.
It was a complete guess, but I was right.
I have the worst luck.
I bought a memory pillow and it has amnesia.
Bonchance! C’est Bastille Day!
What do they call Independence Day in France?
A Royale-free with cheese!
TIL in France, marijuana is called…
Oui’d.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What do french fries do when they meet after a long time?
They ketchup.
A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.
“Hi!” says the woman cheerfully, “Just so you know, I’m deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I’ll let you know if I didn’t catch something. So, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a ventriloquist,” says the man.
“What?” says the woman.
Okay, that made me laugh a lot.
This isn’t just a joke made up here. It’s actually used as a code word for marijuana on some social platforms. i learned this just now because I used Google to look up how the word would be pronounced in French:
I’ve decided to write a book about all of the things I should’ve done in my life.
It’s my oughtabiography.
An arm, a hand, and a leg walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “This seems like the setup to a joke… something must be afoot.”
The Devil told Wolverine he’d like to dress up as Olaf for Halloween.
Wolverine replied, “Be Elsa, Bub.”
If Count Von Count is a vampire who likes numbers, what do you call a vampire who likes words?
Count Vernacula.
I say, I say, what do you call an insightful dinosaur?
A philosoraptor.
If I were you i’d quit this joke while you’re ahead.
I applied for Australian citizenship, and they asked me if I have a criminal record.
I didn’t know that was still required!
Yesteraday there was an investigation into the local university, that they offer academic degrees for money:
“There was no criminal behavior found after all,” said the police officer, Prof. Dr. John Brown, PhD, MD, MBA.
Someone stole the range from my kitchen, and not only did it make me hopping mad…
It made me deranged!
I say, I say, what do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
Thought for the day:
What if there were no more hypothetical questions?
What’s a plastic surgeon’s favorite activity at summer camp?
Arts and grafts.
I taught my kids about Democracy last night.
First, we had a vote on what kind of pizza we were going to order for dinner, and which movie to watch afterward.
Then, I chose what kind of pizza to order and which movie to watch. Because I’m the one with the money.
Honey, I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.
Why does it say ‘Do not resuscitate’ on it?
I heard it as “Why, thanks. But I didn’t know that her initials were DNR.”
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A raisin.
Mouse Poop.
What do you call two chiropractors who’ve got each other’s backs?
Vertebros.
What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?
A waist of good seafood.
What do you call a Jewish rapper?
Doctor Dreidel.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that’s blackout drunk?
An Uber.
Nice, an anti-sexist joke.
Or, quite possibly, an ambulance…