I smiled, I smirked. Well done!
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled “avalanche”! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled “earthquake”! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled “fire”!
Why aren’t there any hobos from Indiana?
Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
A Canadian and an Inuit representative were arguing over land rights…
The Canadian representative insisted on having all of northern Canada to themselves, but the Inuit representative immediately cut them off, saying they were having Nunavut.
Science builds planes and skyscrapers.
But faith brings them together.
Did you know you can find the gender of an ant by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Scientists have discovered that conversations about Archery visibly reduce age by smoothing out wrinkles.
This is because both parties benefit from the effects of bow talks.
A lone Mongol warrior shouts to Chinese army “Send your men! I’m alone!”…
A lone Mongol warrior stands on top of a mountain and shouts down to the Chinese army below:
“Send your men! I’m alone!”
The Chinese general sends 1,000 soldiers up the mountain. There’s the sound of swords clashing, men screaming… then silence. No one returns.
The Mongol appears again and yells: “Send more! I’m still alone!”
Another 1,000 soldiers go up. More chaos, more noise… then silence again.
The Mongol shouts a third time: “Come on! I’m still alone!”
This time, furious, the general sends 2,000 of his best men. The mountain erupts in the sounds of a huge battle. Finally, it goes quiet.
A single wounded Chinese soldier crawls back down and whispers:
“He lied… there were TWO of them.”
I say, I say, why was the flower so strong?
Because it was a power plant.
I had an emergency with a birthing specialist today -
It was a midwife crisis.
I’m at baggage reclaim and I’m concerned that my luggage will look dreadful compared to everyone else’s.
But that’s a worst-case scenario.
You know how to tell if a chicken is a rooster or a hen?
Feed it some grain. If he eats it, it’s a rooster. If she eats it, it’s a hen.
I heard this one with a Ukrainian.
I had also heard it with an Israeli soldier during the Arab war. IIRC the kicker was that the soldier who claimed to be alone was a female, and the punch line was something like “It’s a trick! Her husband is with her.”
Reminded me of an old classic…
Three minor members of the Royal Court were about to be beheaded during the French Revolution.
The first man, the palace chef, is made to lay down in the guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever, and the blade only falls an inch or two and sticks. The executioner, a very religious man, declares it an act of God and lets the palace chef go free.
The second man, the palace accountant, kneels down with his head in the guillotine. The lever is pulled, and just as before, the blade stops after falling just an inch or two. The executioner declares it another act of God and lets the palace accountant go free as well.
Next up is the palace handyman. He takes a look at the guillotine and says “you know, if you loosen that set screw by a quarter turn, and grease up the blade channels with whale oil, this thing will work good as new!”
Mathematicians get their kicks on 8.1240384
Why, I eyes ya! (Actually, that was pretty good.)
Can some one 'splain to me why this is funny? I get the connection with archery and bows, but talking about it(?) smoothing something? Google was no help.
Say “bow talks” out loud, quickly.
Bow talks = botox
Of course 
But it is a stretch unless you speak the cot/caught merger dialect.
I just watched a documentary on Marijuana.
I think that’s the way all documentaries should be watched.
My wife is calling (from a long business trip).
“Are you washing all the dishes and cleaning your clothes as you go?”
Me, drinking beer from a saucepan and wearing my old tuxedo.
“All good here. When are you getting back?”
They say, “A banana a day cleans your colon.”
Later I found out that they meant to “eat a banana a day”.
I am a problem drinker. A dipsomaniac. A sot. A drunk. A rummy. A lush. A soak. An inebriate. A substance abuser. A souse. A boozer. A barfly. A tippler.
I just joined Alcoholics Synonymous.
My wife asked me if I’ve seen the cat bowl.
I said I didn’t even know it could.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
I love Adam Sandler movies so much, I feared his death.
So I build an AI machine and feed Adam Sandler movies to it.
After three movies AI said, “Yeah, yeah, I get it.”
The band Foreigner has launched a new North American tour.
They’ll be called Domestic in the States though.
What word becomes longer when you take away two letters?
Longerer.
My boss said something to me the other day that made it impossible for me to go on working for him.
“You’re fired.”
They say, ‘The first step is the hardest’, but it’s actually the third step, right before your balls go in the water.
“My son doesn’t like fish. Any alternatives?”
“Replace him with a cat.
Cats love fish.”
God, “What are they doing down there?”
Angel, “They’re making milk from almonds.”
God, “What? I gave them, like, eight animals to get milk from?”
Angel,“They don’t like that milk.”
God (mockingly), “tHey Don’t liKe ThAt miLk” flips a table