More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
6492

I celebrate Halloween in August -

When you show up at someone’s door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We’ve arranged a second date for August 24th 2025 at 7:15pm.

A man walks into a bar and sees a friend at a table, clearly depressed and drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarfs from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I’m not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

6493

“Hey Caesar, what’s today’s date?”
“8/2, Brutus”

“Hey Caesar, how was the lap dance?”
“Veni, vidi, veni”

6494

A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed.

“I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”

A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself.

“I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”

A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing OK.”

The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”

The psychiatrist, curious, asked him, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”

The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”

So… This one day in Madrid I got sick in a small hotel and had to make a call to the front desk feeling rather ill(thanks in part to traveling with lower Vitamin C), and they said they happened to have a doctor on staff.

I thanked them for the information and had the doctor sent to my room to see me for my condition.

After he helped me recover I told him that I was amazed that such a small place would have a talented doc on standby. He nodded and confidently said: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN!”

Which mountain is the smartest?

Mount Cleverest.

The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of La Mancha (1605) or simply “Don Quijote” to literature buffs was further adapted to reach a broader, less sophisticated, audience.

That’s why you know Don Qui Kong.

Where does Dracula hold Mass?

The Batican.

6495

I liked to watch Match Game when I was a kid. In one episode, Gene Rayburn gives the clue: ‘Donkey [blank].’ Richard Dawson gets up and says to another celebrity, ‘Say “Donkey Hoaty”.)

6496

Donkey Hodie was a character in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood as well.

6497

Donkey Hodie is also a kids’ television show on PBS.

mmm

ETA: (never mind, it probably came from Fred’s show)

6498

Captain James T. Kirk: Bones, why are you always carrying a red crayon around?

Dr. Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy: Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor. Sometimes I need to draw blood!

6499

’My cat’s tail fell off, so I bought him a new one.

‘Where did you buy it?’

‘At a retail store.’

My grandfather came back from the war with one leg.

Never did find out whose it was, though.

6500

When he walked into her room he could see that the blinds were drawn, but the curtains were real.

6501

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck homicide?

All the DNA matches, and there are no dental records.

I’ll need this explained. I see a connection between ‘drawn’ and the crayon (and the punchline), but I don’t know who ‘she’ is.

6502

It’s just a pun on the two meanings of ‘drawn’ - the implication is she drew them with a pen, pencil or whatever.

6503

Who is ‘she’? The joke only has Kirk and McCoy.

6504

My joke, or its tattered remnants by now, has nothing to do with the previous joke except it’s another play on ‘draw’. He and She are just generics.

6505

At a couples counseling meeting, the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don’t even know their wives’ favorite flower. Mick turned to his wife and whispered: "It’s self-rising, isn’t it?

6506

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanter her number? He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face. I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

6507

I used to work as a proofreader but I was fried for no raisin.

6508

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner Panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

6509

What’s another word for ‘private investigator’?

Gynecologist.

6510

I told the tailor I didn’t need any assistance in trying on my tuxedo.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

How do you join the US Marines?

Superglue their uniforms together.

A poem. “Old Lady Knickers”

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Ethels are green.

I told my cousin not to play Russian Roulette.

It went in one ear and out the other.

A priest, a pastor, an imam, and a rabbi are playing poker.

Suddenly, the police burst in, and they quickly hide the cards and chips.

Suspiciously, a police officer tells them that they had recieved a tip about illegal gambling happening on the property.

He turns to the priest: “You- have you been gambling tonight?”

The priest looks to heaven and mutters, “Forgive me, Father” before telling the officer, “No, I have not.”

Next, the officer turns to the pastor: “And you- have you been gambling tonight?”

The pastor looks to heaven and mutters, “Forgive me, Lord” before telling the officer, “No, I have not.”

Then he turns to the imam: “And you, sir- have you been gambling tonight?”

The imam looks to heaven and mutters, “Forgive me, Allah” before telling the officer, “No, I have not.”

Finnaly, the officer turns to the rabbi: “Well, what about you? Have you have you been gambling tonight?”

The rabbi glances at the others before responding, “Gambling? Who with?”

6511

She brought her spouse rice porridge and sea fowl in prison

It was a congee gull visit