I can now turn on my washer and dryer from anywhere in the world.
I have no idea why?
I work from home. I told a joke at my department’s weekly Zoom meeting and didn’t get a single laugh.
Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
You should have followed up your joke with that line, then. :vbg:
Heh, it was a joke I stole off Facebook.
I mean, I do WFH, and I do have weekly Zoom meetings. But when I tell a joke on Zoom, it always kills 
A short circuit in the company-provided headsets?
Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.
Why not?
It’s not stroganoff.
Today I learned that if you tip a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat.
Because it’s cap sized.
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road whenever they want without having their motives questioned.
“Triple whiskey, straight!”
“Sir, this is a Starbucks.”
“Jesus Christ, venti whiskey!”
Dad asks, “Are our children spoiled?”
Mom, “No, they always smell like that.”
“I’m going to put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
How do you get a banjo player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
There’s a woman in the park sells batteries.
She sells C cells by the seesaw.
What do you do with 100 peaches?
You eat what you can, and what you can’t, you can.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?
A punchline.
I have a suspicion that my wife keeps covering my antique weapons in glue.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Remember: Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer that specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes for just this occasion.
PETA
Next time you think of eating a chicken, remember they had a family - just like you.
ME
That’s why I always order a family bucket at KFC. No one is left behind.
There’s plenty of room for all God’s creatures.
Right next to the mashed potatoes.
PETA
Present your best argument for eating bacon.
ME
If animals don’t want to be eaten, why are they made out of food?
Hi, I’m Pandora!
Welcome to my unboxing video.
What instrument do musically-inclined scientists play?
The Higgs-Bassoon.
There’s one good thing about being hit in the head with a bottle of A&W Root Beer.
It’s a soft drink.
What do you call a purple boat with a trebuchet and a telescope?
A one-eyed, one-armed, floating purple people yeeter.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
If you step on a person’s foot, they open their mouth.
Just like trash cans.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian.
Now I need a Cairo practor.
Guy walks into a bar. It’s just him and the bartender in the building. He walks a few steps inside and he hears a voice say, “Nice jacket! Really looks good on you!” He looks around and sees nothing. He shakes it off and goes to the bartender and asks for a Budweiser. Guy hears another voice say, “A true American lager! Great choice!” Guy looks around and sees nobody, so he asks the bartender, “where are those voices coming from?” Bartender says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
This kid is in public school, and he’s a terrible student – all D’s, and consistently gets F’s in math. His dad tells him, “You need to bring your grades up, or I’m pulling your ass out of public school and sending you to Saint Agnes, where they don’t fuck around like they do in public school.” Kid says, “yeah, right.” Next report card: all D’s and an F in math. So dad says, “OK I warned you, you’re starting next semester at St. Agnes!”
A few weeks later, kid comes home with his first report card from St. Agnes: all B’s, and an A in math! His dad says, “Wow son! You really turned things around! What happened?” The kid says, “Well, I realized they take math seriously at St. Agnes when I saw that painting of a guy nailed to a plus sign!”
Thank you @puzzlegal . I can’t imagine anyone of integrity finding these “funny.”
Did you know that Elton John has a tiny rabbit he takes to the gym every day?
It’s a little fit bunny…
What’s the difference between a billionaire and an average person?
Zero. Well, actually, eight of them.
Today is National Awareness Day!
I had no idea…
Where do Scientologists store their robots?
In the L-Ron cupboard.
Friends are like a trampoline.
I always wanted a trampoline.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, look for the North Star. Its twinkling will comfort you as you die. Have a nice day. 
Why do we put round pizza in a square box and eat it in triangles?
Just picked my son up from ice-cream training.
He was at Sundae school…
Liberace’s ghost just fled the Oval Office.
He said, ‘It’s a bit tacky for me.’
The Zamboni driver is missing!
But I’m sure he’ll resurface soon.
Two cows meet in a field.
The first cow says, “Moo.”
The second replies, “Amazing! That’s what I was gonna say!”
I attended a meeting for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
The worst part was when we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves twice.
I once played D&D in a party with a paladin, a samurai, a cleric, and a ninja…
They were “prayer characters”.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a Coke.
The bartender asks, “Straw?” The horse replies, “No, thanks, I already ate.”
Can someone explain this one?
The fellow’s name is really L. Ron Hubbard, so horrible pun (as we should expect).