He means the founder of Scientology. I still recall his articles in Astounding on Dianetics (the original name).
I caught my daughter chewing on electrical cables, so I had to ground her.
This watch has tremendous sentimental value to me.
My father sold it to me on his deathbed.
- Woody Allen
A study of economics usually reveals
that the best time to buy anything is last year.
- Marty Allen
I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets.
That’s how I lost my mind.
- Steve Allen
A summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!
- Alan King
Life is rather like a tin of sardines -
we’re all of us looking for the key.
- Alan Bennett
Allen / Alan x5!
What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe before he crashed while downhill skiing?
Poetry!
OK, the paladin and the cleric, sure. But samurai and ninjas aren’t any more prayer-y than anyone else.
Is he going for an insulting ‘Japanese people talk like this’ gag?
No. I copied the joke from somewhere and didn’t fact check. Sorry.
My grandfather arrived in America by boat to search for freedom.
It didn’t last long though; grandma came on the very next boat.
Watch out for the escaped horse!
He’s clearly unstable.
“What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?”
“Our children have names, Harold!:”
A roll of duct tape walks into a bar.
Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”
The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”
Mickey Mouse hangs himself…
He doesn’t die though, it’s just a case of suspended animation.
I didn’t get the joke yesterday. It’s been 40 years since I’ve played D&D, so I assumed there were some character additions.
I did likewise until I saw the post from Chronos, since Chronos seems like someone who’d only rule stuff out with good reason, and so I figured, well, if Chronos is right, then…oh.
THINGS TO PONDER:
-
What if my dog only brings the ball back because
he thinks I like throwing it? -
If the poison expiration date is past does that mean
it’s less or more poisonous? -
Which letter in “Scent” is silent…is the S or the C?
-
Do twins ever realize that one of them is
unplanned? -
Why is W pronounced “double U" instead of
“double V"? -
What if oxygen is killing you & it just takes 75 to 100
years to work? -
Every time you clean, you make something else
dirty. -
100 years ago, everyone had a horse, only the rich
had a car. Today everyone has cars & only the rich
have horses. -
If you replace the “W” with a “T” in “What, Where &
When”, you would have the answer to each one. -
If you rip a hole in a net, you have less holes than
you started with.
FACT: Dogs only shed twice a year.
Six months in Summer, and six months in Winter.
Nurse, “I’m sorry, you dad was pronounced dead.”
Me, “I cant believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.”
Picard, “I’ve gotten over my chocolate, marshmallow, nuts, and biscuit addiction.”
Riker, “I’m proud of you. It can’t have been easy.”
Picard, “i won’t lie. It was a Rocky Road.”
Because we don’t speak French!
“W” is pretty much “V V” in Hawaiian. “Ewa” beach is pronounced like EV-VA.
“Honey, what’s for dinner tonight?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing. We had nothing last night!”
“I made enough for two days.”
My wife gave birth on the stairs.
Now I have a stepson.
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
If a bear shits in the woods and no one is there to smell it,
Does the president of an HOA still complain that no one’s picking it up?
What do you call a skunk with a laser pistol?
Pepe le Pew-Pew.