< seethes at the simple genius of this >
I can’t prove it, but I think someone messed around with my spice rack.
I feel like my thyme is cumin.
mmm
I was accused of being too lenient, spoiling my grandchildren.
Ha! That warms the cockles and cackles in my heart
The only thing you need to understand about my mental health is that I just tried to listen to a calming, guided meditation at 1.5X speed.
Judge: This court is now in session.
Defense Attorney: Your honor, if it is true that you are what you eat, then my client is an innocent man!
A father and his son are on a lawn, when they see a commercial plane fly above them, the father lends his son a pair of binoculars and jokingly asks him: “What’s the pilot’s eye color?”
The son replies “I can’t tell, he’s wearing sunglasses.”
I say, I say, why do killer whales never go on blind dates?
It’s too orcaward.
If alive, Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Trump..
But that’s really comparing Apple to oranges.
What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?
You die in a car accident in Paris.
Even dead, Steve Jobs would make a better president than Trump!
Sorry, but this thread is for jokes. The exclamation thread is in “Thread
Games”.
They say, 'the machines of the future will be as smart as people …
But WHICH people? Because it kind of matters quite a bit.
When it comes to dutch ovens
it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up.
“Hi Sweetie, I’m working late, dinner is on the stove. You just have to light it; the gas is already on.”
OOO XXX
“Just the bonuses for the CEO’s on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American’s make on minimum wage in a year” : New York Times
Yeah, but we have a national holiday today called Labor Day.
Why didn’t Jason wear his hockey mask for Halloween?
Because you don’t wear white after Labor Day.
Three men were buried under a landslide in China
They’re inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.
The first man made a phone call to the police:
“I’m a good citizen and husband, please come save us!”
The police tell him they will come for them in 24 hours
The second man made a phone call to the army:
“Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!”
The soldier tell him they will come for them in 12 hours
The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other two man can’t hear
Within an hour, the men were dug out and rescued
A group of police officer walks up to the weary men:
“All right, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?”
What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence?
Natural stupidity!
A man walks into a department store
He says to sales lady “I would like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B.”
With a quizzical look the sales lady asked “what kind of bra?”
He repeated a “Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted.”
“Ah now I remember” said the sales lady, “we don’t get as many requests for them as we used to mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type.”
Confused a little flustered, the man asks “So, what are the differences?”
The lady responded “It’s all really quite simple
a Catholic type supports the masses
The Salvation Army lifts the Fallen
the Presbyterian type keeps things staunching and upright.”
He mused on the information for a minute and then asks “So. what is the Baptist type for?”
“They” she replied “make mountains out of molehills.”
Beethoven: “Are you ready for some HOT SYMPHONIES?”
Crowd: “YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH!”
Beethoven: “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
A funny one when you are a kid.
Rumors of a new bird flies around the American Ornithological Society.
Three ornithologists are determined to find and document the rumored bird called the FOO bird. They take of to the wilds of Africa, searching for the new bird, asking any tribe they come across for help. Soon they come across a remote village and ask the elders about the bird. The elders know about the bird and invite them to stay and eat before they continue their quest. During dinner, the elders tell them about the bird. Curious, one bird watcher asks about the man sitting on a log well outside of the village.
“Is he on guard?” the bird watcher asks.
“No” says the elder. “The foo bird pooped on him so he has been exiled because of the smell.”
“Why, doesn’t he bathe and wash off the FOO poop?” asks the bird watcher.
“If you wash it off, you die” says the elder.
The next day, the ornithologists scour the woods, until a huge bird flies over and poops all over the three. The smell is unbearable, and one bird watcher immediately dives in a river to wash it off, and dies immediately.
The other two look at each other and try to not think about the smell. The next day, another one can’t take it and washes the crap off of himself. He dies right then.
The third bird watcher learns to live with the smell, finds a woman who has can’t smell, gets married, and has kids.
The Moral of this story…
If the FOO shits, wear it.
So, the surviving ornithologist published his findings remotely. Future researchers established protocols to avoid ever letting that dangerous crap get on them.
A few years later, a pair of researchers were studying seals in the arctic and never thought the same thing could happen so far away from that area but yet, after an incident that got seal poop all over one of them, and attempting to remove the seal crap from her body resulted in her death, the surviving researcher went on to publish their results, as any seal can plainly foo.
I heard that one as a kid.
First time I’ve ‘heard’ the followup! 
Nice
Schroedinger wasn’t like the other physicists…
…He thought inside the box.
How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Your mother.
What do farts and Houdini have in common?
Both are great escape artists, but once the trick is done everybody leaves.
My last go round in bed was like Eleanor Rigby’s funeral.
Nobody came.
I used to date a girl called Lorraine but now i’m with Clara.
I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.