Well, he was and he wasn’t.
People have been told to ‘clear out of town by sunset’ for less. 
Orcas don’t belong in tanks!
You need to teach them how to drive one responsibly first.
Why did the corn maze go back to school?
It was tired of working in a dead end field.
My wife gave me an envelope with, “Not to be opened until 2027” on it.
Inside was list of reasons why I cannot be trusted to follow simple instructions.
My pregnant wife just had another ultrasound.
Or, as she calls it: “Connecting with her inner child”.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
"Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My psychology professor covered both Pavlov and Freud in the same week.
I guess that’s why I salivate when I think of my mother.
How did the barber win the race?
He took a shortcut.
My friend decided to get a facial tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character.
You should see the Luke on his face!
What do you call someone who keeps abandoning their diet?
A desserter.
What is a bunny without a carrot?
Hungry!
What did the dog wear on a cold and foggy night?
A rovercoat.
Halloween coming! Nothing will top the year I told everyone I was going to be Amelia Earhart for Halloween and then didn’t show up to the party.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re afraid of getting out of bed?
Me: “for Frodo”
Therapist “nodding”: for Frodo.
Evangelicals spent 60+ years screaming about the Antichrist coming…
…then when he showed up, they started wearing his merchandise.
The two unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.
So my brother went to a restaurant called Dick’s Last Resort. The apparently give out hats to customers with insults written on them.
My brother’s hat said: “2 inches away from being a woman.”
Dumb: “There should be a zoo of drunk white people doing stupid crap.”
Dumber: “It’s called Florida.”
When the ATM charges you $3 to get your own money…
…then tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed…
Eat too much on the weekend? Remember: Naked Monday is enshrined in the Magna Carta.
It’s important to remember that everyone involved in renaming the DoD to the Department of War is afraid to take the subway.
Love it.
Cashier checks my ID in just a second.
Me: That was fast!.
Cashier: I saw the 19. 
I made a rum and raisin cake.
It’s also gluten free.
It’s also raisin free, and cake free.
Okay, fine - it’s just rum.
My September goal is to be less condescending.
(Condescending means to talk down to people.)
ISWYDT (I see what you did there - for the acronym challenged). 
Canada’s plan to invade:
Me: I keep getting these feelings that something bad is about to happen.
Therapist: That’s called anxiety, many people feel this. And no, it doesn’t mean you have the Force.
A group of animals got together for a game of Bingo.
The game ended when the B1.
A truckload of tortoises crashed into a truckload of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I have problems with math, but with chemistry…
…I have solutions!
Every time there’s an eclipse…
…Bonnie Tyler makes $40,000.
Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.
An atheist, a priest and a rabbit turn up at a Blood Transfusion session. Asked for their blood type, the atheist says “A”, the priest says “B”, and the rabbit says “I must be a Type O”.
I know a vegan who carries around a lucky rabbit’s foot. I’m pretty sure it is a faux paw.
How do you get down from a horse?
You don’t, you get down from ducks.
I’m afraid I don’t get either of these.
Yeah, me neither.
mmm
Wrong. You don’t get down from an elephant.