A sheepdog returns to his farmer and says, “All right, I’ve got your 70 sheep back in the east pen.”
The farmer replies, “What!? I have 67 sheep, not 70!”
The sheepdog gives him a withering look and says, “I know. I rounded them up.”
Doc: Do you engage in regular physical activity?
Me: Does sex count.
Doc: Yes, sex counts.
Me: Then no, none at all.
Life has never given me lemons.
It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol,
a serious dislike for stupid people; but not lemons.
Last night at the Cal (UC Berkeley) football game, the Big Board was showing baseball scores from the day, and one of the results was “Cincinnati Reds vs Unhoused Athletics”.
That is SO Berkeley…
Peyton Manning goes to heaven
Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity, Peyton,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”
Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the sidewalk, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window hung a red Patriots towel.
Peyton looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.”
“So what’s your point Peyton?”, God asked.
“Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?”
God chuckled, and replied “Peyton, that’s not Tom’s house, it’s mine.”
Who invented Popcorn Chicken?
Kernel Sanders.
What’s the biggest thing that separates Jaguars from Leopards?
The Pacific Ocean.
My mayonnaise is trying kill me…
…or so my sauces tell me…
Why are Emmys great at giving directions?
They always point towards recognition.
Legend says that when you feel overwhelmed and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, a small child will appear and tell you that you made their sandwich wrong.
Have no fear of perfection -
you’ll never reach it.
- Salvador Dali
Eighty-year-old Bessie storms into the rec room at the retirement home, fist raised high.
“Awright, fellas… anyone who can guess what’s in my hand gets to sleep with me tonight!”
From the back, old Earl shouts: “An elephant!”
Bessie pauses, grins, and says… “Close enough!”
Guy walks into a nice Italian restaurant after the lunch rush with his emotional support alligator.
The hostess has an expression of shock, but he smiles, and says “We don’t have a reservation, but I’m wondering - do you serve lawyers here?”
She regains a bit of composure due to his friendliness, and replies “Yes, of course we serve lawyers, and you don’t need a reservation right now”
So the guy says “Thank you. We would like a corner booth in the back. I’ll have the Chicken Piccata and a glass of Chianti, and my friend will have a lawyer.”
My wife asked how my doctor’s visit went.
I said, “Pretty normal, except he told me I need to start wearing adult diapers.” She asked why.
I said, “Because apparently the baby ones are cutting off my circulation.”
How to pronounce Celtic words and names.
Step 1: Read the word.
Step 2: Wrong.
Claíomh: ‘kleev’. That wasn’t so hard! [Irish guy: Wrong! It’s ‘KLYE-uv’!]
I told my wife, “I’ve got good news and bad news.
The good news is, I was in a medical survey for erectile dysfunction pills. They didn’t have enough women, so they made us make out with men. I wasn’t happy about it, but hey, I had my pills — I was rock hard and we had amazing sex that night.
”She said, “Okay… so what’s the bad news?”
I said, “I was in the placebo group.”
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
Flat out impressive
The Flat Earth Society is proud to announce that they have reached their long awaited milestone. With 2 new additions, their network now has 101 members around the globe.
I’m looking for Quasimodo. Have you seen him?
Yes, he’s a-round back.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Don’t ask me, Bub. I don’t even know why she crossed her legs!
Dad’s answer.
I don’t get it.
Just a bit of silliness, using two definitions of ‘cross’.
What borders on stupidity?
Canada and Mexico.
Donald Trump’s brain has two sides: The ‘left’ side, and the ‘right’ side.
In the left side, there’s nothing right. In the right side, there’s nothing left.
Great minds think alike
But two idiots seldom differ.
Tinder is like Amsterdam
All the girls are behind a glass screen.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahaha.
Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient’s organ?
Apparently it was an inside joke
“Usually I come out here to distract you from the fact that we’re dying.
But somehow network television — like Jesus! — has risen again. Of the four major networks — NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox — only one of us did not see viewership go up year to year. I’m not going to tell you which one of us it is, because it doesn’t matter and please don’t ask. Just be happy for us.”
- Jimmy Kimmel
The constipated mathematician worked it out with a pencil
but
the constipated accountant couldn’t budget.
And logs
There was a constipation joke that was something like, ‘Who were three constipated people in the Bible?’ The only one I can remember is Titus.
I’ve heard multiple versions over the years, including:
Cain, because he wasn’t Abel.
Moses, because he took two tablets.
Balaam, because he couldn’t move his ass.
Solomon, because he sat on the throne for 40 years.
King David, because no power on Earth could move him.
Noah, because all he passed in 40 days and nights was water.
Always ever 3 at a time; the most commonly it was Moses, Cain, and Noah. This is the first time I’ve heard “Titus.”
But the tenured mathematician had a grad student work it out for him.
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says," Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says, “What’s his name?”
Mick replies, “Miles, from London.”
American: “A blue whale is larger than a basketball court.”
British Person: “Americans will use anything besides the metric system.”
American: “Come within 3 whales of the United States and say that!”
Why is the Statue of Liberty surrounded by water?
She raised her hand and the teacher said “No”.
I’m taking a basic sewing class and I understand everything so far.
Seams easy.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
'Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.